“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”
~Consumers of fried alcohol
Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned. Do you like beer, and meat? Meatbeer! Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers? Get that man a fucking Luther Burger! Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos? How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment! What is wrong with you!?
The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle. Well, guess what. We love fried food. And we love booze. We think you can guess where this is going.
We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.
Wait, what’s that? Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.
7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats
(photo courtesy of thrillist)
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Fried Foods
Tagged Alcohol, America, Booze, Bourbon, Bulleit, Champagne, Deep-Fried, Deep-Fried Tequila, Frid Foods, Fried Beer, fried booze, fried bourbon, fried coke, Fried Food, fried jack and coke, fried tequila, fried wine, jack and coke, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Luther Burger, margarita, Meatbeer, Taco Bell, tequila, texas state fair, Whiskey
“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”
~…Ugh. Fucking Brits.
We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting. We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.
Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts. That’s our bad. Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)
“State of nature, motherfuckers.”
Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing. Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp. And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.
See that? That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records. The shit is that? Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread? Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it. Looks like it’s time for…
AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting
Posted in Strange America
Tagged 7-11, baseball bats, Beer goggles, Billy Elliot, Calvin and Hobbes, Convenience Store, Cop, Cricket, Dexter, flaming dr. pepper, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, John Hobbes, London Bobby, London Riots, Looters Guide to Riots, Looting, Makers Mark, molotov cocktails, My Fair Lady, Police, Rioting, Sony, Sweet Caroline, Whiskey
“Our shit might not be that good, but you’d still suckle it like a calf at her mamma’s tit after going long enough without any other type of bourbon…”
~Jim “Gotchya Drunk” Beam
AFFotD has spent time in the past discussing the glorious American spirit known as Bourbon, and after a thousand words you’d probably have assumed we were done talking about it. Well, you assumed wrong. Much like the shakes most Americans get in the morning after they wake up but before they shotgun their first beer in the shower, we were starting to have some bad withdrawal from covering so many topics that weren’t whiskey or bourbon related. Every day that went by with us talking about the goddamn Rapture, glorious old-timey mustaches, or poop felt like the moment of resigned clarity each American faces when they wake up to find that the so-called “people who care about” them had cleared out their liquor cabinets, just before the delirium tremens sets in. America is full of epic alcoholics, is what we’re trying to say.
We think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this assumed we were referring to the beer, and not the horrific side effect of alcohol withdrawal.
We missed talking about bourbon, and you missed (drink) having AFFotD (drink) write articles that very (drink) subtly and subliminally (drink) told you to go out and drink (…d..drink). That’s why we are here to add…
AFFotD’s Appendix to the Original Guide to Bourbon (in America)