Tag Archives: New Year’s

AFFotD Website Review: 123newyear.com

“…Is this written by a robot, an alien, or both?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

635850197284573487-484381917_Setting-Goals-for-2016

We plan on writing a proper New Year’s Eve article tomorrow about ball dropping, because we haven’t posted in a while and we giggle at the term “ball dropping” due to our perpetual adolescence.  But before we go ahead with that, we want to take a quick moment to introduce you to a very special website that tells you everything you need to know about American New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Welcome to the New Year in America – Traditions and Customs, by 123newyear.com.

It is an insignificant blip on the 3% of the internet not devoted to pornography―526 words about New Year’s traditions in America, 410 of which specifically address New Years in America.  The other 116 words talk about “South American New Year Traditions” without even trying to pretend like they are aware that different countries in an entire continent might not share the same cultures and practices.  There is no author, and one comment on the entire page.

It is such a tiny, tiny little thing on the internet that no one would give a second look, and we love it so much.  Because it was clearly not written by a human being, and watching a computer program trying to describe this hu-man celebration gives us endless joy.  So let’s go through this article, shall we?

AFFotD Website Review:  123newyear.com

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America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

“Mer mer mer I like Budweiser you’re just a hater a nice cold Bud mer mer nothing beats it I don’t like IPAs because mer mer mer I own an above ground pool and I spent more money on my lawn mower than my car shut up COORS RULESSSSS.”

~Angry commentators at the bottom of this page

Bud Light- the worst

As 2015 looms over us sinisterly, waiting for the right time to murder 2014 forever, our news feeds and Google streams become flooded with year-end lists.  The year’s best movie, best album, best TV show, best whatever, we have hundreds of opinion-stated-as-fact year-end lists published each year, and while we don’t tend to indulge in that kind of nostalgia here in the affotd offices, we are at least aware of the phenomenon.

Now, while we question the authenticity of a “best of 2014” or “worst of 2014” list, because year end opinions are like assholes- we only listen to the first half of similes.  However, one type of list that has come into increasing popularity in the internet age does have some merit.  Year end lists that tell you “the most searched items of the year” are great for lazy writers, but they also manage to express something tangible about the previous year.

These aren’t the random musings of some asshole bloggers (hi there, glad you made it to our site, by the way), they are hard facts, data points that let us know what everyone in the nation is thinking about.  When you see a “the ten most searched celebrity names” you invariably say to yourself, “Yes, we get it, Kim Kardashian broke the internet, we honestly don’t give a shit” while also admitting that it helps inform what’s most popular over a given period of time.  There has to be some scientific value in that.

So when we saw the list of the most searched beers in America, we had a moment where we lost our composure.  Now granted, the only searching for a beer that we do is blindly fumbling in our fridge for something that’s cold so we can make the shakes go away, and the only Google we use for that is the name of the hook we have to replace our left hand after the doctors took it on account of the diabetes.  But it was disheartening to see how…well, bad the vast majority of these beers were.

America.  We need to talk.  Let’s go over this list, and have a frank discussion about where you disappointed us.

America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

friends dont let friends drink bad beer

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Happy 4th of July, AFFotD Presents a Week of Holidays (Part One)

“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”

~Your boss


Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring.  “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.”  These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving).  You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.

Yeah that’s about right

Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose.  Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia.  In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays.  Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz.  No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.

Or else

So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday.  We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.

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