Tag Archives: Bud Light

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

“Forsake your God, because all that lies herein is death and fire and petulance, and none can save you, none shall live.”

~Official Budweiser Press Release

 mixxtail

Listen, America, this shit is important.  You need to start ignoring Budweiser.  We’re already on the way to phasing out Budweiser, with 44% of drinkers aged 21 to 27 having never had a Bud in their wonderfully enriched lives, but we’re getting to the point where Budweiser is going to do its best to get your attention, and you mustn’t let it.  Much like a misbehaving child or, more accurately, an emotionally unstable ex who keeps sending you messages no matter what you do, Budweiser is going to get more and more loud with their terrible, awful beerness before they start to fade away.  It’s going to take a long time, but we have to do whatever we can to ignore Budweiser’s “U Out?  I’m not wareing undrware ;P” texts while we can, because the company has clearly gone insane and there’s no sign of them letting up for now, and our only course of action is to close our eyes and hope they go away.

In 2011, Anheuser-Busch purchased Goose Island in their attempt to corner a market that saw more and more Americans shunning Budweiser for beer that, you know, tastes good.  The following year, they brought forth Bud Light Platinum, which you might know as “why does my beer taste like someone drizzled like, three sips worth of vodka in here?”  2012 also saw the creation of the Lime-a-Rita, which is a great way for people who don’t like alcohol to remind themselves that they really need to sit down and reevaluate their lives.

lime a rita

“I like it because it’s fruity, but it still can get you drunk, and oh God how did I end up passed out in a Walmart?”

Lately, Budweiser has been playing the role of the petulant child, spending millions of dollars to shout at Americans for “tasting” their beer instead of “drinking it” during the Super Bowl which, frankly, sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear Joe Rogan say as encouragement to a contestant of Fear Factor during the gross-out food part of the show. “Don’t taste it!  Just eat it!  If you manage not to puke you go on to the next round!”

Which brings us to the latest shout of “Mommy mommy look what I can do” that is set to be released on February 16th (oh darn, it’ll just miss Valentine’s Day, huh?) and also our latest totally-not-monthly installment of…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

mixxxtaillll

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America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

“Mer mer mer I like Budweiser you’re just a hater a nice cold Bud mer mer nothing beats it I don’t like IPAs because mer mer mer I own an above ground pool and I spent more money on my lawn mower than my car shut up COORS RULESSSSS.”

~Angry commentators at the bottom of this page

Bud Light- the worst

As 2015 looms over us sinisterly, waiting for the right time to murder 2014 forever, our news feeds and Google streams become flooded with year-end lists.  The year’s best movie, best album, best TV show, best whatever, we have hundreds of opinion-stated-as-fact year-end lists published each year, and while we don’t tend to indulge in that kind of nostalgia here in the affotd offices, we are at least aware of the phenomenon.

Now, while we question the authenticity of a “best of 2014” or “worst of 2014” list, because year end opinions are like assholes- we only listen to the first half of similes.  However, one type of list that has come into increasing popularity in the internet age does have some merit.  Year end lists that tell you “the most searched items of the year” are great for lazy writers, but they also manage to express something tangible about the previous year.

These aren’t the random musings of some asshole bloggers (hi there, glad you made it to our site, by the way), they are hard facts, data points that let us know what everyone in the nation is thinking about.  When you see a “the ten most searched celebrity names” you invariably say to yourself, “Yes, we get it, Kim Kardashian broke the internet, we honestly don’t give a shit” while also admitting that it helps inform what’s most popular over a given period of time.  There has to be some scientific value in that.

So when we saw the list of the most searched beers in America, we had a moment where we lost our composure.  Now granted, the only searching for a beer that we do is blindly fumbling in our fridge for something that’s cold so we can make the shakes go away, and the only Google we use for that is the name of the hook we have to replace our left hand after the doctors took it on account of the diabetes.  But it was disheartening to see how…well, bad the vast majority of these beers were.

America.  We need to talk.  Let’s go over this list, and have a frank discussion about where you disappointed us.

America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

friends dont let friends drink bad beer

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Point/Counterpoint: Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?

“I only invented Science in the hope that someday I could use it to help get people drunk.”

~Isaac Newton

smiley beer

In this 24-hour news cycle world we live in, the announcement of a new cultural phenomenon or technological product causes a flurry of knee-jerk reactions.  Sometimes, these viewpoints look flat out stupid in retrospect, while occasionally the people howling about their hatred of change are spot on with their assessments.  We never know when we’re going to fall on the right side of history, which is why we tend to try to land on the drunk side of things and wait for the dust to settle before giving our two cents.  Every so often, however, our office staff becomes divided on their love or hatred of a new and exciting development in drunk technology.  At that point, we tend to get a representative from each side of the argument, and pit them against each other in an intellectual cock fight.

Don’t  worry, we don’t actually harm any roosters, we’re using the word “intellectual cock fight” metaphorically.  No, once we’ve picked a winner and a loser, we take the loser and set hungry, angry pit bulls on them.  Don’t feel bad, though, our insurance benefits are amazing here.

We bring this up because we’re in the midst of one such intellectual conundrum.  A group of Australian scientists have announced that they discovered a way to make a hydrating beer.  By adding electrolytes, and removing some alcohol, they made a beer that helps lessen that dehydrated hangover feeling the next morning, which could revolutionize the beer drinking experience, except for one nagging issue.

That’s right.  They remove alcohol?  The shit is that?  We’ve been split on it all week, so we’re going to offer this subject to public discussion as we once again bring out our point/counterpoint series.

Point/Counterpoint:  Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?

beer drown

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Budweiser’s Five Worst “Beer Products”

“More like Bud…WHYYYYYYY…uh, ser.”

~We’re not the best at puns

Bud Light- the worst

Budweiser is the number one selling beer in America.  Let that sink in, America, and think long and hard about what you did.  Do you do this just to make us upset?  Do you?  The reason doesn’t matter, all that we know is that Americans spend more of their money buying beer produced by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate than on beer that tastes like anything other than sadness.  We’re not joking, we’re pretty confident abject sorrow  is the active ingredient in Budweiser, and we got confirmation of this fact once we saw this Yahoo Answers post which is easily the most depressing thing we’ve ever read about beer.

While Budweiser is not exactly known for pushing the envelope past their “straw flavored spit water” standard, they do branch out on occasion and try to introduce new beers to an always-hungry-for-innovation market.  The most popular of these efforts tend to range from “Bad but people seem to like it” to “this beer is not actively awful.”  Even though they set a pretty low bar with all their products, they have managed to, time and time again, create terrifying concoctions.  Beverages that haunt all who drink them for the remainder of their days.

Here are five such monstrosities.

Budweiser’s Five Worst “Beer Products”

did you know that budweiser is german for shitty bear

Well, you know, apart from their actual beer products

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The Six Worst Marketing Gimmicks By Major Breweries

“Sure it tastes like garbage, but it looks like a bow-tie so suddenly I want to drink it!”

~Americans according to Budweiser

budweiser can

You see that up there?  That’s the latest attempt by Budweiser to dangle shiny things in front of American beer drinkers in order to trick them into buying their watered down, rice-brewed beer.  The marketing strategy is simple—hey, people will buy any beer if the can looks all funny.  It’s a bow-tie guys!  The beer inside must taste like something other than wet cardboard and dirty barroom floors.

While there are craft beers that veer towards the “pointlessly novel” in order to entice novice drinkers (looking at you, Clown Shoes Brewery), they usually have a quality product they’re trying to introduce to the masses.  The largest domestic beer brewers, however, can’t make such claims.  They know they’re selling you cheap swill (that admittedly will get you drunk…eventually) but dammit, if the bottle is cool enough, maybe they can trick you to think otherwise.  That’s where we get…

The Six Worst Marketing Gimmicks By Major Breweries

 bud light lime

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WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

 

Beer is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache.  But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more.  And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then.  Because who wants bad beer?  Date rapists?  The French?  Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer.  How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America?  These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list.  We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding.  That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!?  America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

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WORLD WAR BEER: America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

“Begun, the beer wars have.”

~Uh, we don’t know.  Yoda?

“America loves beer!” is something our writers shout every day, often while confronting concerned family members reading letters at the urgings of a strangely persistent psychologist.  “America needs beer!” they often add afterwards as their mother starts slowly sobbing into a handkerchief.  “Don’t judge me okay, goddamn it, I’m not the reason dad left!” they inevitably end up saying, but that’s a personal matter we’d rather not get into.

Yes, beer saves us from overrated things like “sobriety” or “the crippling weight of reality” and America needs none of those things.  That’s why the average American drinks almost 21 gallons of beer each year.  That means America as a whole consumes more beer in a year than they do milk.  And milk doesn’t exactly have an age limit tacked onto it.

The truth of the matter is, despite how much Americans love their beer (which ranks just above “puppies” and just below “nothing”) we have to allow ourselves to realize that we live in a global society, and other countries brew and even drink their own beer too.  Even North Korea has beer.  Granted it’s just basically fermented gravel with some stray barleys thrown in there, and the bitterness of the hops is replaced by a generally uncomfortably forced Nationalism, but the point still stands- we’re not alone in this beer drinking world.

“Eh, still better than Natty Lite.”

But while the whole world may agree on the deliciousness of beer, there are still some points of contention.  And that is why we at America Fun Fact of the Day are going to be the first combatants in the great World War of Beer, because it’s time to set things straight.  When we hear article after article discussion European beers lowering their alcohol content, we know it’s time to stand up for the rights of Americans and high-gravity beer drinkers everywhere.

That’s right, folks.  Fill up your five gallon kettles with some water, steep some hatred in there, bring it to a boil, and add that hoppy bitterness because we are here to declare…

WORLD WAR BEER:  America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

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The Future of Goose Island (As Owned by Anheuser-Busch)

“What?  No…Nooo….NOOOOOOOOOOO.”

~People who like beer


One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.”  Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them.  Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium.  The shit is that?  Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches?  But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.

“But there’s still Miller Lite, right?  It’s Miller Time!”

Nope, that shit’s based out of England.  Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.

Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers.  While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid.  True story.  Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her.  Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there.  Better taste and more alcohol?  How is that not more American?

The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period.  Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.

While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.

And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers.  And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.

That’s right.  Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.

We’re all clearly very upset.

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