“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”
Beer is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache. But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more. And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then. Because who wants bad beer? Date rapists? The French? Spuds McKenzie?
Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer. How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America? These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list. We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).
Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding. That’s why we present you…
WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)