“I only invented Science in the hope that someday I could use it to help get people drunk.”
In this 24-hour news cycle world we live in, the announcement of a new cultural phenomenon or technological product causes a flurry of knee-jerk reactions. Sometimes, these viewpoints look flat out stupid in retrospect, while occasionally the people howling about their hatred of change are spot on with their assessments. We never know when we’re going to fall on the right side of history, which is why we tend to try to land on the drunk side of things and wait for the dust to settle before giving our two cents. Every so often, however, our office staff becomes divided on their love or hatred of a new and exciting development in drunk technology. At that point, we tend to get a representative from each side of the argument, and pit them against each other in an intellectual cock fight.
Don’t worry, we don’t actually harm any roosters, we’re using the word “intellectual cock fight” metaphorically. No, once we’ve picked a winner and a loser, we take the loser and set hungry, angry pit bulls on them. Don’t feel bad, though, our insurance benefits are amazing here.
We bring this up because we’re in the midst of one such intellectual conundrum. A group of Australian scientists have announced that they discovered a way to make a hydrating beer. By adding electrolytes, and removing some alcohol, they made a beer that helps lessen that dehydrated hangover feeling the next morning, which could revolutionize the beer drinking experience, except for one nagging issue.
That’s right. They remove alcohol? The shit is that? We’ve been split on it all week, so we’re going to offer this subject to public discussion as we once again bring out our point/counterpoint series.
Point/Counterpoint: Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?
“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right? That’s not just me? It’s, like, super weird?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone. In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas. We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).
So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.
So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT: BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?
“Oh man I’m so wasted! Oh man, my heart hurts!”
~Americans doing it RIGHT
America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away. That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying. In the 80’s, it was Cocaine. In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work. In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit. But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice. Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.
Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening. While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…
Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?
“Again! Again! SPRAY IT AGAIN!”
~AFFotD Product Testers
Americans, much like the common elephant or humble bumble bee, love to get drunk. But sometimes it’s pretty hard work. In order to mask the debilitating sadness of everything around them, most Americans need to drink at least five shots of grain alcohol just to feel something, and if they want to get legitimately drunk, they normally have to chug a bottle of $3,000 vodka while holding back the tears.
But if there is one thing that America is better at than drinking, it’s inventing things that make drinking easier. We have beer cans that are actually designed so you can stab a hole in them to chug faster, for God’s sake. And during the few hours a day that our AFFotD staffers are sober enough to type while still being able to notice the red squiggly lines of our spelchcker, it’s our job to present to you such marvels of American engineering.
The poorly named The WA|HH Quantum Sensations spray is one such marvel. It is the latest (well, first) entry in the “get you drunk instantaneously” market. This product, which we would have given the name of “GITCHYA DRUNK” sprays .075 milliliters of alcohol, which is formulated in such a way that the sense of inebriation will kick in right away. While it only lasts a few seconds, you will find yourself able to pass a breathalyzer, while avoiding such pesky side effects of long term alcohol consumption like “hangovers” or “that three year old kid that you still have to send a check for every goddamn month.” However, it doesn’t give you the benefit of being drunk all night long. So while our staff was excited by this revolutionary new product, it soon spirited into a lively debate about if it’s worthwhile or not. Which means it’s time for two of our staffers to duke it out with our latest edition of point/counterpoint asking the very important question. Is the WA|HH GITCHYA DRUNK American, or just a cheap imitation?
“Heh, downward dog.”
~Most American males
America is a country founded on the tombstones of our native population debate and discourse. Discussion fuels change, or at the very least drunken yelling matches, and we support that. Drunken yelling matches, that is. Not change. We fear change.
And of course, being stubborn, strong-willed American alcohol users, we have our fair share of office arguments. Chunky versus creamy peanut butter? Did the chicken come before the egg? What’s more badass, a Bowie knife or just kidding nothing is more badass than a Bowie knife?
It is with that intrepid spirit that we delve into our Point/Counterpoint series. This week’s topic might spark controversy, which is of course a Latin word for “cheap plow to get people to pay attention to you.” It’s going to be a very heterosexual male centric view on a fairly popular “new age” type of exercise. We are talking, of course, about Yoga. Specifically, is it acceptably American for a straight American male to partake in it. We’re excluding women for this discussion because no one has any issues with women doing yoga. And we won’t delve into gay males because we honestly don’t know what a homosexual American male’s gym regimen is supposed to consist of, but whatever it is they’re doing it’s working. Just ask any woman who feels self-conscious about her body after seeing an army of gay men in Lady Gaga Halloween costumes.
So that leaves us with two very opinionated members of our staff, who are here to present their views on if it is cool for a gentleman (colloquially referred to in polite circles as a “dude” or “brah”) to partake in yoga lessons. So let us hear the sides sound off! Continue reading