“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right? That’s not just me? It’s, like, super weird?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone. In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas. We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).
So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.
So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT: BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?
POINT: Titties. Guys. Titties.
Guys, why are we even discussing this? It’s whiskey that’s been poured over boobies. When I started working here, they literally gave me a contract that said, “I love looking at breasts, and I like getting drunk on Whiskey.” I mean, I know it’s largely ceremonial, since our gay and female writers sign the exact same form, but still.
This company, G-spirits (oh don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing there. I get puns, I get puns) makes a product that is described as “premium liquor that was first dribbled down the bare chest of an international Playboy model.” Who would have a problem with this!? For most of us, this is the closest we’ll ever come to motor-boating a Playboy model, why would we take this away from anyone? (When I say “most of us” I mean “non-AFFotD writers.” Wednesdays are business time in our office).
And since when have we been picky about our liquor? We make our own moonshine in house and whenever we have a position open we round up a group of 10 applicants and hire the one person who can drink it without going temporarily blind. So suddenly we’re gonna have an issue with drinking whiskey because it was poured down a supposedly attractive stranger’s boob? Goddamn it, we’re in America right?
COUNTERPOINT: Yeah, but… it’s Germans doing the pouring.
Listen, I can get how this would sound like a great idea if you just deconstruct the whole thing down to its base components. Boobs. Whiskey. I get it, I really do. But the more you think about it, the more unsettling it seems. So this German company tells you “we are going to pour our whiskey on the bare chest of a strange woman who you have never met who professionally takes her clothes off” and you’re supposed to be stoked about it because it’s an “international” (read as: not from America) woman who has been in Playboy?
Aside from the very real fear of body glitter getting into your precious liquor, this is Germany we’re talking about here, guys. Honestly, if you take a translation of the descriptions on their website and read it in a German accent to yourself, you’d find yourself a little freaked out. Just imagine Hans Gruber up there saying, “For us there is nothing more than the eroticism of a beautiful woman.” Kinda creepy now, right? “We let every single drop of our spirits run over the breasts of a special type of woman.” Now you’re starting to imagine naked women caged up like rabbits in a cosmetic testing facility, right?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t combine your whiskey with boobs. Far from it. But before you go and spend your hard earned money on mystery German boob juice, maybe you should take a second and ask, “Isn’t this kind of gross?” before asking your (American) significant other if she would let you douse her breasts with a bottle of Jack. Your liver will thank you later.