~People who like beer
One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.” Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them. Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium. The shit is that? Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches? But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.
“But there’s still Miller Lite, right? It’s Miller Time!”
Nope, that shit’s based out of England. Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.
Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers. While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid. True story. Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her. Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there. Better taste and more alcohol? How is that not more American?
The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period. Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.
While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.
And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers. And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.
That’s right. Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.
We’re all clearly very upset.
Goose Island was founded as a brewpub in 1988, expanding into a larger brewery in 1995, with a Wrigleyville location opening in 1999 under the assumption of, “Hell, if drunk Cubs fans are willing to pay 5 bucks for a can of miller lite, maybe they’d be willing to pay 6 bucks for a good beer.”
Goose Island suffered from the classic American problem- it was just too good, and everyone outside of Illinois wanted a piece. This led to Goose Island outsourcing its distribution to non-Illinois markets. Goose Island’s Bourbon County Stout, which is cask conditioned for six months in Elijah Craig 18 year bourbon barrels. That’s right, this is a company that found a way to combine beer with bourbon, and make it 13% alcohol. Truly, they do God’s work.
Goose Island has received much acclaim for their beers, including 4 gold medals, 4 silver, and 2 bronze medals over three separate entrances in the World Beer Cup, and numerous other awards from the Great American Beer Festival over the years. But, as this little brewpub that could (brew good beer) began to see demand far exceeding supply, a shadowy figure entered the scene…
…okay that might not convey the “evil” as much as we’d hope, but squirrels are kind of assholes, right?
Budweiser has taken over this institution, and all we can do is look on hopelessly and try to find a beer to replace Goose Island. There’s not even a hope that the same quality will be maintained, since the brewmaster who has been with the brewery since the beginning resigned as part of the purchase agreement. We had some concerns about this news, so we sent some undercover investigative journalists into the lion’s den to see if they could find out what Budweiser was planning on doing with the Goose Island beers. Below is a list of preliminary advertisements to promote the new “Budweiser Presents: Goose Island” line of beers.
- Budweiser Presents: Goose Island Bourbon County WOW-t. We take the classic recipe of Goose Island’s Bourbon County Stout, the 22nd best beer in the world according to Beer Advocate, and we give it the classic Bud touch that America LOVES. Now available in a VORTEX bottle, we’ve added a hint of lime to amp this beer up to the next level! Bourbon County Wow-t! Here we go!
- From Anheuser-Busch, the newest craft beer for the common man, we present you with 666! We took the classic Goose Island beer, 312, and just filtered the shit out of it, because why should a beer be cloudy with depth? It’s basically Bud Lite now, but it costs more! 666! The mark of the DRINKS.
- You loved our Bourbon County WOW-t, and our 666, but now the folks at Budweiser have their best beer yet. Honkers Fail is sure to make you drunk, if you have enough of it! We took the recipe for Honker’s Ale, and replaced most of the caramel malts with rice because, fuck it, it’s cheap. We can’t call it an English Style Bitter ale because we don’t know what those words mean! After just one sip, that trucker hat no longer will be ironic! Honker’s Fail: Because fuck you, America.
- We’re not going to make Matilda or Pere Jacques anymore, because we hate you!
So, grab a pack of your favorite Goose Island while you can, America. And pour a sad pint for yourself to lament the passing of a true American institution. Goddamn it, Budweiser. You guys suck so hard.
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