“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”
Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works). Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!) And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.
Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.
And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?” And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices. But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.” That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…
How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)