How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

So as you wake up for your American day at your American job, you realize that the alarm has been blaring for the past fifty American minutes, and you’ve got an American hangover so bad it just received a writing credit for Citizen Kane and went off to record a wine commercial.  And sure, you only have twenty minutes to get to work, but part of the reason why you’re such an intrepid American is that you always follow the Boy Scouts code of “Be Prepared” (not that you were ever a Boy Scout, because, you know, nerd alert).  You live stumbling distance from public transit that takes you straight to your office within 10 minutes, which means you should have enough time to get to the work and grab a cup of coffee on the way.

Of course, being a truly prepared American, at some point during your mind boggling binge last night, you made sure you didn’t need to bath by spending a solid thirty minutes sobbing in the shower while taking swigs of Jack Daniels, and you probably in your blackout haze put on your clothes for the next day to avoid the agony that is trying to dress yourself with a hangover.  Sure, your socks don’t match, but what is this, the military?

Eh, good enough for government work

Having gotten to work with a fresh piping cup of coffee in your hand, you’re now ready to start your American work day.  You’re allowed to take a few minutes here to rest at your desk, slouched in your chair with your fingers idly striking the keyboard to trick people into assuming that you’re doing work.  This might not seem American, but it is.  The less amount of work you do while earning a salary, the more American you are (unless you currently work in an industry that is already American, like the design and manufacture of ethical puppy cannons, or some kind of digestive-aiding yogurt that’s somehow 30% alcoholic.  In that case it would be your duty to work as hard as possible).

By about 10AM you’ve probably begun shaking oh so subtly.  While you might be confused, as you have your third cup of coffee right there, you suddenly remember- you haven’t had anything to drink yet!  Goddamn it, sober at work?  Did you accidentally cross the border into Iran or something?  Hell no, you’re not on death row, so take out your flask.  Yeah, we saw you smuggle that in.  Don’t worry.  It’ll be our little secret.

What are you waiting for?  Let the pink elephant take over for a minute before allowing yourself a nip of bourbon to grant yourself that sweet moment of relief.  Oh yeah, sweet deliciousness.  But that does bring us to an important topic for being an American in the office—you’re going to be drinking at work because, ha, please, but you’ll need to master a few very important drinking tips.  Consider below

AFFotD’s Drinking-At-Work Locations

1.       Your Desk

Easily the highest risk/reward location for such shenanigans.  While you have the highest chance of getting caught here, it also allows you to do the least amount of walking, so you can fully let yourself become engulfed in the unique sense of euphoria and shame that comes from chugging a pint of gin while everyone was watching but could do nothing about it.  Of course unless you’re upper management or have compromising pictures of upper management, you can’t get away with this without at the very least having to sit through a few meetings of HR mandated AA.

So how are you going to go about this?  A classic method is to take a cup of coffee, put it at your lap, and subtly pour the contents of your flask in there.  If you choose this method, make sure to slant the cup and make sure the liquor pours down the side of the cup into your drink- do not pour directly into the coffee, as it will make a very audible splashing noise.

Another, slightly less subtle method would be to duck your head under your desk and desperately suckle at your liquor like a starving calf.  Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other, really.

2.       In Your Kitchen/Common Area

Much like stopping a terrorist attack in the show 24, or trying to have sex with that attractive coworker who is barely ever single, drinking in your office’s kitchen is mostly about timing.  Yes, it would be nice to stand over the sink and pour whiskey out of your third flask of the day (a good Boy Scout always brings multiple flasks to the office) into coffee cup like a goddamn adult, but you can’t always get away with such things.  And yes, the hot water tap on your water cooler technically gets water hot enough that you can make a hot toddy, but that’s pretty useless if everyone’s loitering around it talking about whatever happened on The Bachelor.  Well guess what, you don’t know what happened on The Bachelor because you were blackout drunk already, and sure it was on in the background, but you were too busy calling that friend of yours who is a lawyer asking him how you should fight the charges in a Drunk and Disorderly arrest.

So, you don’t want to go to the kitchen to pour your drink early in the morning.  Any time before 10 there’s too much of a chance of someone straggling in to get a morning cup of Joe.  Between 11AM and 2PM you have to account for lunch traffic, and from 2-3 you will deal with people getting another cup of coffee to fight the afternoon crash.  And of course, people will be filtering in and out for the last half an hour of the day.  So that means that your safe zones for kitchen consumption are as follows.

10:00 to 11:00  

                Best Drink Options-  Irish Coffee, Bourbon with ground up ibuprofen sprinkled on top, ice water (easy on the ice, replace water with bourbon)

3:00 to 4:30

                Best Drink Options- Hot Toddy, bourbon mixed with remnants of diet coke found in crushed cans in the recycling bin, shame (cut with bourbon)

3.       The Bathroom Stall

The bathroom doesn’t judge you.  It’s seen you at your most vulnerable.  It knows you in a weird, gross, disgusting yet intimate way that even your closest loved ones cannot begin to comprehend (unless your German).  And most importantly, the bathroom doesn’t give a shit what you drink while sitting on it.  Go to town.  Just so long as you hide the empties in your pocket and discretely stash them in recycling bin in someone else’s cubicle.

“Yeah, that’s right Sharon, I can tell that you’re spying on me when I start dry heaving towards the end of the day, you’re today’s scapegoat, bitch”

Now of course, Lunch in the American office place provides a unique challenge for even the most enterprising among us.  Each office does lunch differently, and it will take a while before you figure out what is acceptable.  If your office social, where everyone eats lunch together in the kitchen?  Well, in that case quickly befriend those coworkers among you with particularly strong body odors, those with nasal conditions, and those who apply far, far too much cologne or makeup.  This way, you’ll avoid those awkward thirty seconds where you try to find an acceptable comeback to being told, “My God, you reek of alcohol.”

“More like, uh, you reek of, fuck you Gladys.”

Of course, if your office is less social, and most people eat at their desk, please refer to our guide on drinking at your desk listed above.

But even more confounding—what should you eat?  There are so many options.  Do you bring your own lunch?  Do you find the nearest fast food restaurants and food trucks?  Do you slur “Fuck you, beer is my bread” and start pawing at the receptionist’s face?  Most likely it’s the latter.

Of course, while we’ve given you plenty of helpful hints to get wasted (surprisingly effective but rarely utilized location?  Elevators.  You always are given enough warning to hide the flask before the door opens up) but how are you going to get away with doing this without getting fired?  Well, if you follow these easy to remember steps you’ll be able to stay at your job like until you get laid off in 20 years without a single memory of contributing anything to society, or at least until your liver bursts out of your side in protest like the creature in Alien.  Honestly, we can see it going either way.  Onto the list!

1.       Cover that breath!

Breath mints are your friend.  A draw with mouthwash is your savior.  The biggest problem with getting drunk in your office is that if you ever have to talk to a coworker, or whisper something in a breathy voice right into the ear of your boss as he stands at the urinal next to you, if your breath isn’t clear you’re going to get busted for your inter-office guzzling.  So save your breath, and save your job!

2.       Body Spray:  Not just for douchebags anymore!

Yes, body spray will most likely burn your skin when you spray it on yourself (pesky bed sores!) but you’ll thank us when the only thing they’re talking about is your raise review, and not about how science tells us that our body secrets alcohol through our pores or something.

3.       Never do a good job.  Ever.

If you’re drunk at work, you’re not going to be productive.  No, we don’t care how high functioning you are, you’re not going to be productive.  So if you’re an otherwise hard worker who only gets drunk say, three days a week, you’re going to be spotted easily.  But if you always work as productively as a drunk person, how will they be able to suspect that you’re drunk?  Dark only appears dark until you see light.  We’re not sure where we’re going with that metaphor, but it sounded profound, right?

4.       Scratch that- Just ALWAYS be drunk at work

If you establish yourself as the “slacker asshole” as opposed to “the occasional drunk” you can get away with murder.  Do you know how hard it is to actually fire someone?  No, we’re actually asking.  We’re assuming there’s gotta be a shitload of paperwork and stuff, so most people just avoid it at all costs.  Jesus Christ, we hope that’s the case, that’s what we’ve based this entire article on, and we really need this job…

Well anyway, now you, the enterprising American, have all the tools you need to subvert Corporate America from the outside!  Use them wisely, and more importantly, use them drunkenly.