As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms. We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus? Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter). When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.
Yeah you BETTER run
But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.” But guess what? Nature started it. Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake. So why should we box with one hand behind our back? As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”
This is not a war for the meek. Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear. Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares. And then nature makes them real.
Nature makes them real.
So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…
Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!: A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.
[Editor’s note: WARNING: While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn. Discretion is advised. Seriously. Fuck nature.]
Okay everyone, take a deep breath, and a deep swig of your work flask (if you are reading this on your phone, you are likely on public transit, in which case, you obviously have a 40 in a paper bag. It will be empty by the end of this article, if you wish to keep your sanity.)
Here we go.
Oh God. Look at those monsters. Jesus Christ. No, those aren’t insects, those are evil murder beasts that feed on human palms. Don’t believe us? That women in this picture has since had to teach herself how to use her iphone with two hooks for hands. You realize that the iphone touchscreen is made so it only works when it feels actual body heat from what’s touching it, right? She just got the iphone 4, and it’s worthless to her now. Because of these insects of death.
This is the Giant Long-Legged Katydid, and they are the largest species of Katydid in the world. You can’t even find a Wikipedia page for it in English; if you search for the Latin name of “Seriously, Latin? Fuck you, dead language,” all you get is the Dutch version of Wikipedia, poorly translated. These only exist in Malaysia and Thailand, which is part of the reason why we don’t go to those countries. For some reason, we can’t stop imagining a giant army of these insects marching on us, thousands of them, while the music from Fantasia plays in the background. If these ever tried to go to America, Grizzly Bears would hunt them to extinction, saying, “Fuck you, we’re in charge of nightmares ‘round these parts.”
Shit, there’s probably a picture of one of those just standing on an Asian dude’s face somewhere on google images, isn’t there?
It only gets worse from here, folks.
Sigh. Yes. That’s a terrifyingly giant beetle. It’s called the Goliath Beetle, and it is the heaviest beetle in the world, with the ability to weigh as much as a quarter of a pound. As a beetle. They’re from Africa, but people rear them in captivity. You know, as pets. As an extra “Slap in the face of how we view the world,” the best way to raise a Goliath Beetle from an egg (they come in fucking eggs) to an adult is by feeding them dog and cat food. Just think about that for a second. You give dog food to your dog. Your dog will also eat your steak from the table if you give it a chance. We didn’t do many mathematical proofs in school because, come on, but if we had to map it out, we would probably need to say-
IF: Dogs eat dog food, but like steak
AND: Goliath Beetles eat dog food
THEREFORE: Goliath Beetles are going to invade your home and eat all your damn steak.
Now you may be thinking, “Well, at least they seem pretty lazy, you know, being so huge, it’s not like they can fly or…”
“…SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”
At this point, nature’s gotta just be shitting with us. It’s like, if you took the name of two of the things you would never want to be trapped in a small enclosure with, and combined them together, we’re pretty convinced nature would be there and ready to freak the shit out of us, like that one scene in the movie Hook when Dustin Hoffman sticks the man in the treasure chest with all the scorpions.
But, maybe Nature has its limits. Like, if we just decided to combine random terrifying words together, Nature wouldn’t be able to keep up with that, right? It’s not like they can create some sort of, we don’t know, tarantula hawk or something…
SON OF A BITCH! Of course it’s also a fucking wasp. Of course it is, a tarantula and a hawk combined is not quite terrifying enough, let’s make it a goddamn wasp while we’re at it. Because seriously. In the Lord of the Rings analogy for the war between America and Nature, wasp serves as the orcs of Nature. You know how when you’re out at the park, and all the damn bees are going after your fruit salad, but the wasps are honed in on the hot dog in your hand? It’s because it knows how much you like that hot dog, and it wants to steal the joy that hot dog would provide from you. Now take that, and multiply it by tarantula and multiply that by hawk, and maybe add in, “your deepest fears” and voila! Nature is officially a sociopath.
The reason the tarantula hawk is never cast as the villain in animated films from the perspective of ants is that it would be too unrealistic. Seriously, of the first seven words in the Wikipedia article about this monstrosity, four of those words are “spider” “wasp” “tarantula” and “hawk.” It’s like a phobia convention, only airplanes and heights overslept their alarms and missed the Q and A.
And did we mention this thing eats tarantulas? That’s right, when nature released this dream-rapist from the bubbling maw of its murder kilns, and said, “I shall call you Tarantula Hawk, genus- HolyShitIDon’tWantToDie. What would you like your prey to be?” this hellspawn responded with, “Hmm…well, the fears of mankind for strength, and for sustenance, I choose those giant spiders that sometimes eat fucking lizards.”
So now nature’s got Tarantula Hawks and Tarantulas battle each other in some sort of Spartan Warriors style training montage, with the victor taking its place as the front line in the battle against humanity.
It’s like Aliens vs. Predators. No matter who wins, we lose.
Oh, and speaking of Alien invasions, remember all those cockroaches that were the spawn of that evil Alien in Men in Black that were fucking everywhere in that movie?
Awesome. Great. Just perfect. Moving on, then.
So remember how we mentioned people are complaining that all the bees are dying? Apparently, it’s a big deal- over 1/3 of American honeybees have died in the past year, with colonies just disappearing overnight. People get really worried about this, because bees are needed to pollinate a lot of our food, including almonds, apples, and avocados. In fact, one third of what we eat had bees involved in the process at some point. People don’t know why this is happening, but we do.
It’s part of our war.
That’s right, we at AFFotD detected a pitch frequency that’s basically to the bees what the killer joke was to the Nazis. We sneak out at night and just kill all the fucking bees we can. “But AFFotD, we like apples! We like almonds! Bees are responsible for over $15 billion a year! Why would you do that.” Well, why don’t we just show you?
DO YOU SEE!? DO YOU SEE THAT SHIT!?
What kind of hand model with a death wish would agree to let this picture be taken? This bee is bigger than the junk on Michelangelo’s David, which might be small for a penis, but is GIANT FOR A GODDAMN BEE. This is the Japanese Giant Hornet, and this is why we’re killing the bees. We need to be ready for when millions of these taxi-colored succubi to come to take us down.
If there’s ever proof that the war against humans is occurring as we speak, it’s the fact that these things kill 40 people every year. Last year, do you know how many people in North America were killed by bears? Three. That means that that these buzzing hate filled shells of vitriol are thirteen times more deadly than bears. Nature’s adapting- they’re making their agents of death big enough to scare the shit out of humans, but small enough to make it very hard to shoot them.
We must remain vigilant. If this hasn’t been enough to convince you to join our war, “AFFotD: Operation, Fuck Nature” we have one thing to show you. It’s called the Camel Spider, it literally attacks our troops in the desert. And it will be the marquee star in your nightmares tonight. So you’re welcome.
You remember those terrifying face-hugger things from the Aliens movies?
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!!!
These things GO INTO THE SLEEPING BAGS OF OUR TROOPS and they BITE.
That’s it, we’re taking things up a notch. Everyone, grab your flamethrowers and torch all the trees on your property. You don’t have a flame thrower? Then get a lighter and some hairspray. You don’t have any trees on your property? Good. Now…just don’t stop. Take down everything, nature deserves it.
Here, we know, this is pretty rough. It’s all over, we’re done. But now you know how much nature needs to pay. We must stop nature in their tracks.
Now here’s some pictures of explosions and booze. You’ve earned it. Just listen to the 1812 Overture while you watch them.