“What’s that? 100th day of the year? Sure you can use that as a reason to drink today. You know what else you can use as a reason? THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Today is April 10th, which sources tell us, is the 100th day of the year. So, if your 2011 has been great, or terrible, either way that’s a cause to drink. And as as result, we’re going to do something very special at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices here today. We are going to let a separate AFFotD staffer inform you of what happened on previous April 10ths in America. Except most of them will be in various states of drunk. Don’t worry, we’ll let you know who you’re hearing from, and how much they’ve had to drink, and hopefully they’ll have done their research well enough that they’re not just drunkenly pulling shit out of their asses.
But then again, we can’t make any promises.
So, without further ado, here is…
The American History of April 10th in America (As Remembered By Drunk Americans)
First up is Jimmy Franklin, who works in our HR department. An ancestor of Benjamin Franklin, Jimmy’s hobbies include microbrewery, home fireworks presentations, and jury tampering. He just shotgunned a beer and did three shots of absinthe. He’s been asking us to play Don’t Stop Believing for the past hour now, it seems.
Possibly the most iconic song by the ugliest 80’s band.
“In 1790, George Washington signed a bill that set up the American Patent system. Though that’s pretty cool, because people invented shit like the trumpet flame-thrower, but they never accepted my patent of a television made out of Cheetos. They said it wasn’t ‘feasible.’ To which I call bullshit. Wait…guys, guys, did you just put on some Journey? You heaven suckling sons of bitches, I love everyone right now!”
Our next fact comes from Johnathon Jeffrey Jackson, the descendant of Andrew Jackson who fittingly is our only full-time dueling expert. Whenever we have a question about how dueling worked in the 19th century, we go to Jackson, and whenever we tell him that dueling rules were retarded, he generally challenges us to a duel. That guy cracks us up. He’s playing with his guns right now, and wearing a shirt saying “I’ve done THIS many shots” and there are about twenty hashmarks on it. He’s been yelling at wikipedia for the past 30 minutes of so…
“Oh you bastards, don’t you see? This didn’t happen in America, but in 1815 on this day, Mount Tambora erupted. It registered a 7 out of 8 on the Volcanic Explosivity Index. That only happens once ever 1,000 years. It killed 71,000 people and is the reason why 1816 was called ‘The Year Without a Summer’ or, more depressingly, ‘Eighteen Hundred and Froze to Death.’ Did you know that we’re about 10 thousand years overdue for a volcanic explosion to read 8 out of 8 on this scale? Holy shit, you guys.”
We should have mentioned that Johnathon Jackson gets sort of depressing when he’s drunk.
Alright, up next we have Richard Stephens, our accountant. Richard got hired because he won a drinking contest at the bar we like to go to, so though he’s twenty drinks into the night, he seems pretty about his wits at the moment.
“In 1845, uh, there was like a fire in Pittsburgh that damaged 1,000 buildings. I think this was the biggest devastation to happen to Pittsburgh outside of Super Bowl Championships.”
Eh, good enough for us.
Now here’s Franklin Washington, who surprisingly is not related to any famous Americans. He works as a fact checker, but he’s also chugged an entire fifth of whiskey.
“Ehhhhh you know, the Civil War was done with, and Lee gave his farewell address to the troops today in 1865, a day after resigning, but…oh God I’m gonna be sick…”
It was either a picture of a drunk dude puking in a toilet, or this. You’re welcome.
Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt had a little fact he wanted to share with us. He told us that he is “very drunk” and that he has consumed “none of your fucking business” beers.
“Did you know on this day in 1912, the Titanic left port in England on it’s one and only voyage? Wah wahhhhhhhhhh.”
Now that our staff has gotten that out of their system, here are the remaining events in history that occurred on April 10th.
1925: The Great Gatsby is first published in America, leading generations of Americans to point out that every time money is mentioned, the color green appears on that same page, and allowing the writers of The Wire to use the book as an allegory for prison life.
1931: The Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup, a feat that clearly has never been repeated.
2011: AFFotD hosts just, like, the craziest party you guys. It’s crazy in here. You’re missing it.