Tag Archives: bologna

American Sausage Series Part 1: Typical American Sausages

“Wait, we’re doing sausages enough?  But we’ve already done hot dogs!  And sandwiches!  When will the madness end?”

~AFFotD’s Research Staffers

sausage

About once a year, the staff of America Fun Fact of the Day decide they want to take on a really ambitious project.  Well, really, our editor-in-chief goes on a weird peyote trip and is like, “Man, what if we wrote about every kind of sandwich in America” or has the rest of us scour the internet for every goddamn regional hot dog or what have you, and when the boss man says, “Jump” we say, “Ugh, fine, can we have a few drinks first, at least?”  And now that we’re nice and entrenched in 2016, we apparently are overdue for our latest unnecessarily ambitious article series—sausages!  That’s right, we’re going to tell you about every fucking sausage, for the small, small price of “our sanity.”

Now, we are going to keep this list at least somewhat manageable by only sticking with sausages that were invented in America, or those that have a distinctive “American” version.  That means Italian Sausage, while invented in Italy (really!?  You don’t say!) still counts, because there’s an American variation of that sausage, but we can’t really go with chorizo, since the chorizo we eat tends to be either a Mexican or Spanish style.  It also, thankfully, means we don’t have to write about vegetarian sausage, as the Germans invented that in 1916, possibly as a continuation of the World War I chemical warfare research that brought us mustard gas.

Also unfortunately (or fortunately?) we can’t include Scrapple, which some people consider a sausage, but which is technically a nightmare pudding that mushes together pork offal with corneal and buckwheat and forms it into a loaf.  If we wanted to write an article of “America’s horrific attempts to mimic haggis” we might include Scrapple, but until then they don’t make the cut.  Basically, we stuck with encased meats of a very specific type.  We’re not going to go generic, so a specific kind of meat, in a sausage, on its own isn’t enough to make the list.  That’s right, chicken sausage, get right the fuck out of here.  Otherwise, we will follow these basic rules until our researchers get lazy and we don’t.  But strap yourself in, as the next few weeks you’ll get to learn way more about dick-shaped food than you’d have any reason to know in a thousand lifetimes.  Sausages!

American Sausage Series Part 1:  Typical American Sausages

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Science: “Let’s Get Bugs DRUNK!”

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”

~Science

You know what’s boring?  Math and Science.  Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.

Stop hitting yourself.  Stop hitting yourself.

In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless.  Why should we care what an atom looks like?  And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet?  Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes.  Thanks, science!  Screw you, Cindy!

But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too.  While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways.  Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters?  To us?  Americans?

Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get  your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.

Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place

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