“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”
~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist
America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of. Why’s that? Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring. Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities. Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake. So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child. Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.
There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right?
So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them. So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert. Take it away, Francis.
Greetings denizens! Did you know that the first person to come up with the term “Denizens” was Henry Ford, the founder of Ford motors, and he did it as a way to spot fellow Nazi sympathizers? Well you do now! My name is Francis Firegrove, and I hope that this website isn’t googleable because I try to stay off the grid as much as possible. I don’t even have an account with the electricity company for my apartment, I just stockpile my apartment with enough lemons and pennies to power anything I put my mind to. My apartment smells awful, just all the time.
So how did I end up with this “America Fun Fact of the Day” crew? Well, first of all, I’m not exactly what you might refer to as “gainfully employed.” Ever since the Bosnian War, ethnic Yugoslavians have attempted to block any career path I’ve attempted to pursue. You might say I deserve some of the blame, especially after that whole messy situation from when I worked for the Public Housing department, but you have to ask yourself this. Who put the matches in my hand? Yup. Yugoslavians. I also tend to drink until the visions go away, so as a result I often could be spotted shouting ethnically insensitive things to strangers outside the AFFotD building. That’s when they listened to some of my ranting and, after much hearty laughter, probably to indicate how they agree with my views, they offered me a job.
So I’m the official conspiracy theorist of America Fun Fact of the Day, and I get all the tin foil I can dream of to make hats. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, he’s using the tin foil hats to stop satellites from beaming out his thoughts” and that’s not true at all. It’s actually to counteract the mind altering chemicals that are placed there by the hair product companies. That’s how they get you. It’s like I always say, the sharper the points on your hair, the duller your mind.
It all makes sense now.
So yes, obviously the world is full of double agents who are solely intended to steal from you. This we know. You remember the movie The Truman Show? What if I were to tell you that every single person is Truman in the Truman Show! That’s right, your world is a giant TV set and everyone in your life is actors to broadcast your actions to the rest of the goddamn world. Does that sound impossible? It’s called the Theory of Relativity, asshole.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear. Every time you swear, President Obama performs a ritual of the occult that takes fifteen minutes off your life. This is a fact.
Hello NSA watch list, we meet again!
Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself, because I am here to be the lone voice of reason to help you in this world, and only I know what food you have to smear on your doors to ensure that miniature Donald Rumsfelds do not break into your house at night and feed your pet dog stray cigarette filters. So I felt I should give you a quick history of myself, and try to keep you wise to the way big business it out to get you. Fact: 75% of all pianos-falling-on-a-person-from-ten-stories-up deaths are the result of big business agents manipulating the system. The other 25% are caused by moving companies that take too many shortcuts.
I was born in the 1970’s through what my parents referred to as an “hyper natural” birth. I’m told my mother gave birth to me while in a bathtub of liquid LSD. They refused to let me go to public or private schools, informing me that the school system was being manipulated from the inside by government agents. I know that this is a foolish and naïve thought process now, as the true school system of America is secretly run by the descendants of Christopher Columbus. Obviously.
Instead of going to college, I tutored under the great conspiracy virtuoso, Leonard Cohen (no relation) who decided to assume the name of the famous musical artist to make his name impossible to google. This was a decade before google even came into existence. He never got a facebook account because he told me that Google + would be better, anyway. How he knows these things I do not know, but he is a wise man and I have tried to learn all I can from him. Mark Zuckerberg bathes every night in a gold basin filled with sexual lubricants and tadpoles, but you didn’t hear that from me.
And that’s how I got to where I am today, through lots of hard work and through always being faster than the red gloved agents who use their blue tooth headsets to sterilize me with radiation and pulsar waves. Did you know that medicine companies can permanently cure erectile dysfunction but choose not to because they make so much money off Viagra and Levitra? Did you know that Bill Gates keeps a slave in his basement who he only uses to play games of speed chess with? You’ve learned so much today but the next time it rains you will forget because every storm cloud is laced with roofies.
So stay tuned for next time, when I’ll let you know what food is safe to purchase at a grocery store (it’s a trick question, the answer is shotgun cartridges!) and also will give you a look into how the beanie baby fad was directly responsible for soaring Autism rates in America. Be vigilant, Americans, because the moment you let your guard down a Yugoslavian will break into your house and steal the batteries to your smoke detectors! Goddamn Yugoslavians!
Pingback: The Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to Groceries | affotd