~…The Lollipop Guild
America is all about saving money. Well that’s not true. That’s a total lie in fact. In fact, one of the great goals of America is that we’re supposed to make as much money as humanely possible (fuck you, Ghana!) and use it in the most absurd ways (you’re welcome, Mr. Chocolate Fountain Business Owner). That’s America. But despite our best intentions, most of us do not have Christopher Walken as a father, and our lives are not an extension of the island house scenes from Wedding Crashers. So sometimes we Americans have to get inventive to live in the more popular American locations.
First of all, shut the fuck up New York. We know this is about you, you don’t need to gloat about it.
No seriously, shut the fuck up.
Okay you goddamn New Yorkers. This is about New York. And tiny apartments.
And America loves tiny apartments.
America likes its apartments like it likes its genitalia. Either large enough to cause envy, or small enough to warrant an “OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR UNREALISTICALLY HIGH SELF ESTEEM FROM BECAUSE HONESTLY THAT IS EMBARRASSING” exclamation from those lucky few who get to view it. Granted, apartments are subjective, depending on where you live. Someone living in North Dakota saying “I got a to bedroom apartment for nine hundred a month” should be made fun of. Really for two reasons. A- Why are you living in North Dakota? Seriously. What the FUCK are you thinking? Do you know that Wyoming gets more Google hits than North Dakota? Do you? Wyoming! Wyoming is Latin for “there is no state here.” It’s like the New Zealand of America (to get that joke, realize that New Zealand has more sheep than people, while keeping in mind that a shitload of buffalo live in Wyoming). But uh, yeah, and B- Nine hundred a month is expensive as shit for North Dakota.
But a nine hundred dollar two bedroom in, say, San Francisco? Suddenly that’s a fucking steal. Really it doesn’t matter how big it is. If you’re living in San Francisco that’s cheap as shit. In North Dakota (WHY ARE YOU A STATE OH MY GOD) you’re thinking “…900? Better be nice for the two of us.” But in, like New York, shit, it could be a closet, hell, like 78 feet, and it’d be fine…
Hipster in skinny jeans with an air conditioning unit that looks like it’s half the size of the apartment? Well this is either gonna be in New York, or…maybe Hong Kong? Berkeley? We’ll save the confusion. This is a person who views “V-neck shirts in Manhattan” to be more important than “having to commute from Brooklyn.” Which…is actually surprising, because everything about his ensemble screams “I want to find an antique bike shop that sells second pressings of Beatles albums for 25X their value.” Plus, living in a tiny apartment limits your artisan gnome collection possibilities. So he wanted to pay $800 a month for an apartment…that is less than 100 feet large.
“Hey, AFFotD…I don’t click on links here. I fail to recognize that these links are informative and occasionally humorous additions to your articles,” you may be saying. “But I did click on that last link, in no way because you aggressively told me to, it just called out to me,” is of course how you end your statement. So you clearly know that a Hipster in New York is spending $800 a month to live in a 78 square foot apartment.
We’re actually just about done talking about this fucker. The fact that this apartment is both tiny and expensive? AMERICA LOVES THAT! But guess what? As you read this article, you find out something about the man who lives in this apartment that removes a great deal of the American spirit of this entire article. That’s right, this guy is…a vegetarian. Yup. Fuck you, Luke Clark Tyler, we’re glad you have less space than most lobsters.
Vegetarians don’t get any discounts, which is why he’s paying so much for so little space. If a true American was asking for a 78 foot apartment in Manhattan, he’d only have to pay rent in denominations of “miniature American flags.”