Tag Archives: Mormons

Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist


America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of.  Why’s that?  Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring.  Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities.  Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake.  So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child.  Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.

There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right? 

So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them.  So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert.  Take it away, Francis.

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How to Handle a Hostage Situation

“Where the hell am I?  Why am I tied up?  Why does it smell like baby powder?  WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”

~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday


 

Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real.  At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.”  And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit.  Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys.  This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness.  All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap.  It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes.  But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening.  As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys?  Learn English.  But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.

As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.”  The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved.  We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket.  Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.

So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people.  Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there.  Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did.  (Ha, reacted.  Reactor.  Kaboom.)

To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak .  It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts.  They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot.  When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight.  But that’s beside the point.

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