“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us? You want us to EAT that?”
~Greenland residents during Christmas
We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style. Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.” Ham? Sounds delicious. Turkey? Sure! Egg nog? Booze it up and we’ll talk.
But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies. But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas. However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it. So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world. And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.
The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Christmas, Christmas dishes, Greenland, Janssons Frestelse, KFC, Kiviak, Lampreia de Ovos, Muktuk, Portugal, Russia, Sweden, Weird Food, Zakuski
~Your Taste Buds
The potato chip—America’s most effective salt delivery system since 1853. We as a nation eat 1.5 billion pounds of the stuff a year, which pares down to about 4 pounds of greasy, delicious shame for every American. It is an actual American invention, coming into existence because of a douchebag customer who kept sending back his fried potatoes for not being thinly cut enough, and the chef who said, “fuck you, I’ll give you fried potato peelings then and oh holy shit he actually likes it?” Since its inception, potato chips have spread all over the world, which is a good thing for people who work at liposuction clinics, and bad news for people who are trapped in countries that have decided a potato chip can be flavored as anything, no matter how batshit insane it is.
Surprisingly enough, we’re not talking about Japan, despite the atrocities they have committed against the humble Dorito. No, we’re talking about Lay’s, the parent company of Doritos, and a brand of potato chip that, for whatever reason has been hijacked by pure insanity in countries across the world. And before you say “Hey, I tried a bag of Borsch potato chips one time, it actually tasted pretty good!” we just want to remind you that you’re wrong and we don’t care what you have to say.
On to the distressing potato chips!
The Strangest Flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips in the World
“…The hell is wrong with your taste buds?”
~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic
St. Louis. We don’t ever really know how to talk about the second largest city in the state of Missouri. For a time in the 1800s, it appeared that St. Louis, and not Chicago, would grow into the main population center of the Midwest, but the city’s leaders actively fought against the proliferation of railroads and greatly stunted its growth during the largest population boon the area would ever see. Still, it’s by no means a small town—while the population of 300,000 ranks it as the 58th largest city in the nation, the whole metro area has nearly three million residents, good enough for the 19th largest market in the nation. Hell, they’re big enough to warrant a good hockey team, a usually not that good football team, and a baseball team filled with the most frustratingly smug fans in all of the nation. They’re a real city, and honestly it’s kind of condescending of us to spend so much effort trying to bring that point home.
St. Louis has culture, is what we’re saying—you could probably argue that they have more regionally specific cultural touchstones than most similarly sized cities, but that might be us giving the Arch too much credit. And where there is culture, there is food. And in St. Louis’s case, where there’s food…well, things get weird. We’ve talked about it before in passing, but we’re going to go into some more detail for you, because so far, in our extensive search for weird food in America, St. Louis has the title of…
St. Louis: America’s Weirdest Culinary City
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Barbeque, BBQ, Blizzard, Concrete, Crispy Snoots, Dairy Queen, Gerber Sandwich, Gooey Butter Cake, Imo's, Milkshake, Open Faced Sandwich, Prosperity Sandwich, Provel, Slinger, St. Louis, St. Louis BBQ, St. Louis Cuisine, St. Louis-style pizza, St. Paul Sandwich, Ted Drewes, Toasted Ravioli, Weird Food
~AFFotD Food Critic John Goodman
As we’ve established on numerous occasions, Japan approaches American-based junk food and beverages the same way Lennie approaches puppies in Of Mice and Men. We’ve even let you know about the terrible, unspeakable things that Japan likes to do to our potato chips. Of course, that’s just the beginning. Japanese food sort of adheres to a subset of Rule 34. By that we mean to say, we could type some random combination of disgusting words and it’ll exist in Japan, and be terrifying. Don’t believe us? Let’s see…uh, octopus soda.
…Oh dear God, what have we done?
So with that in mind, it’s time for us to take our periscope of terrifying food abominations towards Japan’s interpretation of the delicious Takis rival, Cheetos. Which, as always, leads us to exclaim…
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Cheetos
Posted in Japan
Tagged America, Butter Soy, cheeseburger, Cheetos, Doritos, Frito-Lay, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, Japan, Pepsi, Pollock Eggs, strawberry, Takis, Weird Food
“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”
It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you. Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.
That’s not always been the case. We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).
While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront. As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon. We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.
That’s right. Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito. Yes. Inception finally has an official junk food snack.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious