Tag Archives: St. Louis-style pizza

DiCarlo’s Pizza Wants You To Know That They, and They Alone, Are Responsible for All Awful Ohio Valley-Style Pizzas

“Please remove my company from your website. I don’t want my company listed on your page.”

Management of DiCarlo’s Pizza, sent to our staff at 8:30 AM on a Sunday

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Eight years ago (!) we wrote a pretty obviously troll-y post about the worst pizza styles in America. Was this a flimsy excuse for us to dunk on St. Louis-Style pizza, a thing we’ve written about enough you’d be fair to wonder if we caught a St. Louis-Style pizza having sex with our wife? Yes.

If we’re being completely honest, we started that article with St. Louis pizza locked in at the number one spot (it’s a cracker covered in sugary-as-fuck sauce and fake cheese that only is sold in St. Louis) and just sort of scrambled around looking for other “meh” styles.

We landed on California-style (don’t put healthy shit on pizza please), Tomato Pies from Jersey (it’s just….bread with cold sauce), Quad City-style pizza (the word “spice jam” should tell you enough about that one) and Ohio Valley-style pizza, a type of pizza where, we should absolutely note, we referenced exactly zero specific businesses behind its creation.

We said that Ohio Valley-style pizza is a thing, which cooks a pizza and then tops it with cold, un-cooked cheese and toppings, and also, what the fuck?

Anyway, as you can see from the above email, nearly a decade after writing this jokey article, one of the owners of a DiCarlo’s Pizza location, the apparent creator of this bullshit Lunchables approach to pizza, got up on a Sunday morning, googled “Ohio Valley Style Pizza”, found our article, and decided to fire off a super angry and thirsty missive to our staff via their iPad.

And as you should all know by know, if you don’t want us to write an article making fun of you, maybe don’t send us angry emails where you scream at us for talking about your brand. Especially when we had never heard of you before today.

So let’s thank whoever is in charge at DiCarlo’s marketing for giving us a fun topic article.

Di Carlo’s Pizza Is Almost Hilariously Angry, All the Time

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Six Regional Pizzas You’ve (Probably) Never Heard Of

“I have very strong opinions about other people’s opinions about pizza, and this angers me.”

~The Internet

pizza

Back in 2013 we wrote what, arguably, is our most divisive article that doesn’t insult ALDI. In this article, we looked at all the regional pizzas in America, and told you which ones were ass. A lot of people felt compelled to defend St. Louis pizza! We didn’t know that there were so many wrong people in the world! And we get it, pizza is a touchy subject for some people. Like, it really shouldn’t fucking be, it’s just sauce, dough and cheese with other shit tossed in sometimes, but whatever, we’ll play along.

So when one of our interns suggested we do another pizza article, we took away his bourbon privileges for the rest of the day. Who wants to deal with those kind of headaches? But then we took a step back and said, fuck it, we’ve got a deadline to meet and literally every other staff writer was passed out drunk after celebrating a very important holiday in the office that we call “Wednesday on a kind of chilly day.”

So how can we talk about pizza in a way that won’t piss everyone off? Maybe, just maybe, for once, we’ll just talk about food without commenting on how delicious or gross we find it. It’s a novel concept, for sure. So fuck it, let’s give it a go. Here are some pizzas from across America that you likely have never encountered before.

Six Regional Pizzas You’ve (Probably) Never Heard Of

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America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 2)

“Just because you like something doesn’t mean the rest of you should like it too. Quentin Tarantino likes licking feet, that doesn’t mean that it is something that the rest of society accepts and embraces.”

~AFFotD Food Critics Dressing Down St. Louis-Style Pizza Fans

mess of a burger

Okay so at some point we should stop ragging on St. Louis-style pizza so much. We’ll admit that. When we started listing the worst of America’s Regional Culinary dishes, we were thinking about St. Louis’ cracker-thin travesty of a pie, but really, in digging through the worst foods that America has to offer, we’ve come to appreciate it, and maybe even begrudgingly respect it.

No, you’re still wrong if you like it, and no, we’re not going to take you up on your offer to get some fucking Imo’s, get that shit out of our faces, but at least it tries to be something delicious and normal. It fails on both fronts, but it tries dammit. There’s no offal or rolled balls of fat and meat powder in play. No bad ideas, just really, really, really bad execution.

With that semi-apology out of the way, we’re going to delve into more of America’s worst regional dishes. And we’re sorry.

We’re so, so sorry.

America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 2)

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America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 1)

“I don’t care if it’s just how your mama used to make it, your mama used to make it WRONG.”

~AFFotD Taste Testers

ummm what

When it comes to the culinary arts, America, and by extension the staff of America Fun Fact of the Day, is a lot like a caterpillar, in that caterpillars don’t know how analogies work.

Wait, no, we can salvage this. American cuisine spent years languishing as underdeveloped and, frankly, sad attempts at inventing dishes that lagged far behind Europe’s more significant and time-tested methods.

Only 85 years ago, Julia Child wrote a book that basically told the country, “Um, so France uses a lot of butter in their food, maybe if we tried that it would taste pretty good too” and people lost their shit so much that they still buy that book to this very day. But eventually our tastes matured, and we burst out of our cocoons to make hundreds of dishes that are insanely unhealthy, undoubtedly American, and still delicious enough that other countries try (and often fail) to replicate on their own.

Part of the beauty of American cooking is how diverse it can be, considering how every single area of this great sprawling nation has its own approach to filling us up. Hell, asking for a simple clam chowder can get you eight different soups, depending on where you are when you ask for it.

Just looking at all the things we can do with the humble hot dog gives you an idea of how inventive and varied we can be when trying to find the most effective ways to give you a quick coronary.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always translate to successful dishes, and even more unfortunately, some of these failures randomly get embraced as “part of the culture” of various regions in America. This isn’t surprising—with so much good food, America was bound to have some swings and misses. But when we miss, ho boy, do we miss.

But you can’t appreciate the good without being made aware of the bad, so as much as it pains us, we’re here to present to you an unflinching look at…

America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 1)

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St. Louis: America’s Weirdest Culinary City

“…The hell is wrong with your taste buds?”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

st louis pizza oh dear

St. Louis.  We don’t ever really know how to talk about the second largest city in the state of Missouri.  For a time in the 1800s, it appeared that St. Louis, and not Chicago, would grow into the main population center of the Midwest, but the city’s leaders actively fought against the proliferation of railroads and greatly stunted its growth during the largest population boon the area would ever see.  Still, it’s by no means a small town—while the population of 300,000 ranks it as the 58th largest city in the nation, the whole metro area has nearly three million residents, good enough for the 19th largest market in the nation.  Hell, they’re big enough to warrant a good hockey team, a usually not that good football team, and a baseball team filled with the most frustratingly smug fans in all of the nation.  They’re a real city, and honestly it’s kind of condescending of us to spend so much effort trying to bring that point home.

St. Louis has culture, is what we’re saying—you could probably argue that they have more regionally specific cultural touchstones than most similarly sized cities, but that might be us giving the Arch too much credit.  And where there is culture, there is food.  And in St. Louis’s case, where there’s food…well, things get weird.  We’ve talked about it before in passing, but we’re going to go into some more detail for you, because so far, in our extensive search for weird food in America, St. Louis has the title of…

St. Louis:  America’s Weirdest Culinary City

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The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

“Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  When it’s bad?  It’s still pretty good.  And when it’s God awful, you find you can’t stop screaming, and it takes years for the nightmares to finally stop.”

~You

 grossa

Previously, we showed you the five best regional pizza styles in America, with a hidden agenda of angering New Yorkers.  Today, we’re looking at the dark underbelly of pizza.  Because, as great as America is at making pizza, not everyone can get it right.  Hell, Brazil makes and eats 1.4 million pizzas every day, but even with all that practice they still do shit like put chocolate on it.  So as great as pizza is, it’s not always a winner.  The best pizzas?  Are glorious.

These pizzas?  Are terrifying.

The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

gross american flag pizza

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