“…The hell is wrong with your taste buds?”
~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic
St. Louis. We don’t ever really know how to talk about the second largest city in the state of Missouri. For a time in the 1800s, it appeared that St. Louis, and not Chicago, would grow into the main population center of the Midwest, but the city’s leaders actively fought against the proliferation of railroads and greatly stunted its growth during the largest population boon the area would ever see. Still, it’s by no means a small town—while the population of 300,000 ranks it as the 58th largest city in the nation, the whole metro area has nearly three million residents, good enough for the 19th largest market in the nation. Hell, they’re big enough to warrant a good hockey team, a usually not that good football team, and a baseball team filled with the most frustratingly smug fans in all of the nation. They’re a real city, and honestly it’s kind of condescending of us to spend so much effort trying to bring that point home.
St. Louis has culture, is what we’re saying—you could probably argue that they have more regionally specific cultural touchstones than most similarly sized cities, but that might be us giving the Arch too much credit. And where there is culture, there is food. And in St. Louis’s case, where there’s food…well, things get weird. We’ve talked about it before in passing, but we’re going to go into some more detail for you, because so far, in our extensive search for weird food in America, St. Louis has the title of…
St. Louis: America’s Weirdest Culinary City
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Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Barbeque, BBQ, Blizzard, Concrete, Crispy Snoots, Dairy Queen, Gerber Sandwich, Gooey Butter Cake, Imo's, Milkshake, Open Faced Sandwich, Prosperity Sandwich, Provel, Slinger, St. Louis, St. Louis BBQ, St. Louis Cuisine, St. Louis-style pizza, St. Paul Sandwich, Ted Drewes, Toasted Ravioli, Weird Food
“Second city? More like fifth coronary, amiright?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
America loves to eat. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. When you live in a country that has 14,000 McDonalds, 7,500 Pizza Huts, and 6,500 Dunkin’ Donuts, you know that you have a pretty large population of people who live to stuff their faces. But while fast food chains are appropriately American, getting you unhealthy food quick enough that you can fat fat fatty FAT, it is truly the local American restaurants that are able to really embrace American culinary ideals. Because sure, if Hardees wants to make a burger with twice your daily allotment of fat in it, people are going to flip their shit, but if someone has a heart attack in the midst of eating a 6,000 calorie burger, it’s fucking awesome (unless that man’s family is reading this, in which case we salute him for going down like a fucking boss).
That’s why we here at AFFotD are starting our latest American feature—the most American restaurants of major American cities.
So when we think of cities that thrive on unhealthy food and have so little shame that we’re pretty sure veganism is a considered a misdemeanor by its police force, we think of the one city that we’d like to start this segment out with.
The city of fat asses broad shoulders… Chicago, Illinois.
The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO
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“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”
Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot. We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.
We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area. Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out. After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds. They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”
Here is his tale.
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Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged Alligator, America, Bambi, Beaches, Beer Pong, Chi-Rish, Chicago, Cricket, Deer, Green Beer, Hot Doug's, Lake Michigan, Les Miserables, Losing your Mind, Miller Lite, Opera, Redacted, Slinger, Snapping, The Who, Tommy, Traveling Billboard, Vegan, Venison