“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”
Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot. We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.
We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area. Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out. After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds. They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”
Here is his tale.
Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged Alligator, America, Bambi, Beaches, Beer Pong, Chi-Rish, Chicago, Cricket, Deer, Green Beer, Hot Doug's, Lake Michigan, Les Miserables, Losing your Mind, Miller Lite, Opera, Redacted, Slinger, Snapping, The Who, Tommy, Traveling Billboard, Vegan, Venison
“GET ME OUT OF HERE! COME ONE, READERS, SOMEONE! HELP ME!”
[REDACTED] is an America Fun Fact of the Day correspondent who has the thankless task of serving as our resident Undercover Investigator. He didn’t really want the job, he just signed up to be in AFFotD because, come on, it’s AFFotD. Fortune Magazine would have listed us as the number one company to work for, except we spent a good two thousand words ripping on Fortune Magazine for being stupid and not knowing what’s American. Let’s be real, you’d work here in an instant- our retirement plan includes a goddamn boat, and a free license to punch the celebrity that annoys you the worst. We had to start using phone books to the stomach on Justin Bieber because the authorities were starting to get suspicious about all the bruises. This is a pretty good gig, is what we’re saying.
Except for poor [REDACTED]. Ever since we sent him to do an expose on the evils of Vegan Restaurants, we’ve had to redact his name, so that his family, friends, and, well, hopefully God, wouldn’t find out about the things he had been forced to do. So, we tried to make it up to him by giving him a night of booze and freedom. Of course, we took advantage of his drunken state, and signed him to do all our unsavory articles, like talking about Cricket, and he can’t really do anything about it. Because of the information we have on him. Because he’s eaten Vegan. It’s not technically blackmail, but it basically is.
Anyway, now [REDACTED] is going to sit through some Opera. Ha ha!