“We just wanted to write about sub sandwiches. That’s safe, right? Delicious, universally loved sub sandwiches. Then the madness came. Then the darkness fell. Then came the Sarney.”
~Found Footage From the Ruins of the Building That Once Housed AFFotD’s Main Office
When we started this journey, we were happy. We were unified. We were just sitting around the writer’s table, adding whiskey to our coffee (office culture dictates that you can’t drink hard unmixed hard alcohol until at least eleven in the morning), laughing, loving. Living. Then, in walked Johnny Roosevelt, our Editor-in-Chief and winner of 2013’s “drunkest at our Christmas party” award.
“Ladies. Gentlemen. Ghosts of the cool Presidents that would have been considered alcoholics in today’s society. We haven’t really talked about sandwiches much, have we?”
And hell followed.
It seemed simple enough. We would just write about all the sandwiches we could think of that are served in long rolls. Basically, variation of submarine and Italian sandwiches, a cornerstone of our culture. We started with the East Coast to cover subs and Italians, and followed it up with Pennsylvania sandwiches so we could write about hoagies and cheesesteaks. We didn’t need to get into dagwood territory, because writing about various sliced bread sandwiches would easily creep into the mundane, and also fuck Dagwood Bumstead.
Then the voices came.
“Tunnels. Bombers. Torpedoes. Barb fucking Mills. Try as you might, you will not find them. They only exist in name to haunt you. Your charge is futile. Your destiny is pointless.”
Anyway, here are some motherfucking sandwiches from the motherfucking Midwest and West Coast and we guarantee we’ll come across another non-existent sandwich and we will lose our motherfucking minds.
The Regional Italian and Submarine Sandwiches of America: Midwest and West Coast
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, The American Sandwich Series
Tagged Al's Beef, America, California, Chicago, Cole's Pacific Electric Buffet, dagwood, French Dip, FUCKING SARNEY, Garibaldis, Italian Beef, Italian Sandwich, jus, Los Angeles, Madison, Paisan's, Philippe the original, Regional Sandwiches, Sarney, Scala's Beef, Sub, Submarine Sandwich
“Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad? It’s still pretty good. And when it’s God awful, you find you can’t stop screaming, and it takes years for the nightmares to finally stop.”
Previously, we showed you the five best regional pizza styles in America, with a hidden agenda of angering New Yorkers. Today, we’re looking at the dark underbelly of pizza. Because, as great as America is at making pizza, not everyone can get it right. Hell, Brazil makes and eats 1.4 million pizzas every day, but even with all that practice they still do shit like put chocolate on it. So as great as pizza is, it’s not always a winner. The best pizzas? Are glorious.
These pizzas? Are terrifying.
The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America
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Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, California, California-Style Pizza, Cleveland, Ohio, Ohio Valley, Ohio Valley-Style Pizza, pizza, Quad Cities, Quad City-Style Pizza, St. Louis, St. Louis-style pizza, Tomato Pies, Worst Pizza
“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this. We honestly don’t care.”
~Current residents of California
At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment. If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality. If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here. Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union. Starting with…
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Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged America, America States Of America, American States of America, California, Kansas, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Oregon, Portlandia, San Francisco, Spam, West Virginia