“Get me off your fucking mailing list.”
~David Mazières and Eddie Kohler
If you put a gun to our head and told us to tell you one thing that’s wrong with America, we’d press our forehead into the barrel and say, “That pussies like you don’t have the stones to pull the trigger.” But if you asked nicely, and weren’t a dick about it, we’d say, “probably the existence of companies and publications employing predatory tactics to gain profit.” And while businesses that gain all their profits through legal-but-shady means are a global phenomenon, America does unfortunately have its fair share of assholes who trick the gullible, frightened, and elderly into giving them money.
One surprising and somewhat unsettling form this has taken involves, of all things, science. Specifically, “academic journals” that solely exist to mill out publications for graduate students and members of STEM academia. These publications spam academics and will post just about anything so long as they get their publication fee. One of those publications is the International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology which is the equivalent of us calling our website the International Publication of Extraordinary Patriotic Informative Studies, which is to say it’s a bullshit name for a bullshit publication (yes we are including ourselves in the “bullshit” category). And that’s why it was so wonderful when, in 2014, Peter Vamplew, Associate Professor at Federation University Australia, decided to fuck with this publication, to amazing effect. This is his story.
Great Moments in Spam Responses: International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology
“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this. We honestly don’t care.”
~Current residents of California
At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment. If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality. If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here. Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union. Starting with…
Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged America, America States Of America, American States of America, California, Kansas, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Oregon, Portlandia, San Francisco, Spam, West Virginia
Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America. So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.” And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.
So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…
SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937
And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”
“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”
America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism. When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs. Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?
We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust. This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power. When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany? Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…” Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.
How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong? What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings? Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?
Spam, that’s how. Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link. Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys. Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool. Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged A Beautiful Mind, America, Boobs, Heisman, Henry Ford, Internet, Jason Lee, Nicolas Cage, Paul Newman, Russell Crowe, Spam, The Incredibles, The Sting, University of Chicago, V1agra, Viagra, Walt Disney