Tag Archives: Nicolas Cage

The American Joys of Spam (Not the Tasty Food Kind)

“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”

~The Internet

America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism.  When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs.  Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?

We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust.  This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power.  When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany?  Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…”  Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.

How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong?  What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings?  Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?

Spam, that’s how.  Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link.  Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys.  Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool.  Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.

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The C.I.A……Shhhh

“Something something SHAKY CAMERA Woahhhhh.

~Jason Bourne

When you think about America’s secret, seedy underbelly, the people working behind the scenes to make the tough decisions you just aren’t ready to make dammit, what comes to mind?  That’s right.  Just three simple letters that speak for themselves

The C.  I.  A.

“Wait, you mean the Culinary Institute of America?  I’d say you’re probably giving them too much credit, they really make that many behind the scenes decisiosn that we wouldn’t have the guts to make.  Except for, maybe, their focus on microgastronomy.”

…Really?  You’re shitting us right?  No, not the fucking Culinary Institute of America, it’s the goddamn C.I.A.

“Oh, how silly of us, the Cleveland Institute of Art, right?”


“Well, that’s a C.I.A…”

Yeah?  What would the Cleveland Institute of Art have apart from Lebron James “We Are Witness” posters?

“…fine, we were thinking of the Central Intelligence Agency.”

Goddamn right you were.

Congratulations, readers.  Once you opened this page, you officially were placed on the government’s watch list.  Do you feel proud of this achievement?  Well, don’t get too ahead of yourself, most of that is because of the secretive, awesome abilities of the CIA and their assets.

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