The C.I.A……Shhhh

“Something something SHAKY CAMERA Woahhhhh.

~Jason Bourne

When you think about America’s secret, seedy underbelly, the people working behind the scenes to make the tough decisions you just aren’t ready to make dammit, what comes to mind?  That’s right.  Just three simple letters that speak for themselves

The C.  I.  A.

“Wait, you mean the Culinary Institute of America?  I’d say you’re probably giving them too much credit, they really make that many behind the scenes decisiosn that we wouldn’t have the guts to make.  Except for, maybe, their focus on microgastronomy.”

…Really?  You’re shitting us right?  No, not the fucking Culinary Institute of America, it’s the goddamn C.I.A.

“Oh, how silly of us, the Cleveland Institute of Art, right?”


“Well, that’s a C.I.A…”

Yeah?  What would the Cleveland Institute of Art have apart from Lebron James “We Are Witness” posters?

“…fine, we were thinking of the Central Intelligence Agency.”

Goddamn right you were.

Congratulations, readers.  Once you opened this page, you officially were placed on the government’s watch list.  Do you feel proud of this achievement?  Well, don’t get too ahead of yourself, most of that is because of the secretive, awesome abilities of the CIA and their assets.

The C.I.A. has a long and rich history of doing the work behind the scenes that we don’t need to know about.  Despite the fact that most C.I.A. agents can kill you with laser pens and whatnots, it is actually a civilian agency.  But there is one thing more important to America than the C.I.A. and it’s eerily strong fingers on our distressingly weak pulses.

The CIA is American because so many crazy people believe they’re a part of it.

For example, we have Susan Burns.  Mrs. Burns was arrested for trying to attack a Gauguin painting that she claimed was “Very homosexual.”  “I think it should be burned,” she added.  Now, keep in mind that this picture is of two women, so it’s the more fun kind of homosexual art, but nonetheless, Susan Burns tried to, well, burn it (hey we just got that!) and then gave a statement, “I am from the American CIA and have a radio in my head.  I am going to kill you.”  We’ve never met any current or former C.I.A. agents (eh?  Eh?  *taps nose*) but if we did we’d imagine that they would probably declare they had a radio in their head and that they were going to kill us.  Why?  Because the easiest way for you to not take someone seriously is if they start shouting that the CIA put a radio in their head.  It’s the perfect excuse.

Which means…Susan Burns must actually be C.I.A.  Which means she was trying to get to that Gauguin painting for some reason.  We can only guess…

“The code is hidden in the Gauguin painting.  It’s telling us to SHAVE OFF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENT’S SIDEBURNS”

You might have expected a whole fact about the C.I.A. and we’re sorry to disappoint you.  But we also know that the C.I.A. uh…has…information on us.  Information we don’t want getting out.  So we’ll just tell you about that crazy lady who is in no way a member of the Central Intelligence Agency and just point out how silly and completely untrue the statements she gave to the press were about her involvement in projected Gauguin.


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