Ridiculous Church Signs of America

“Jigga wha?”

~Jesus

If you’ve ever read the constitution, there’s probably some section in there about how church and state need to do their own thing.  We at AFFotD agree with that.  Too much Jesus talk makes us feel sort of weird, but honestly there’s just one religion out there that really freaks us out.  You know the one.  The one that likes fire so much.

Yup.  Zoroastrians are weird.  We’re fine with all other religions though, but we’d rather not talk about them.  Really, as long as you aren’t those goddamn Persian Zoroastrians, or the Westboro Baptist Church, we’re okay with you, but aren’t going to talk about you much.

But, while we choose not to get into religious discussions, we do appreciate it when religions try to convince people to go to their houses of worship, only to do so with hilariously accidental sexual innuendo.

Basically, this is just a veiled excuse to post funny church signs.  So enjoy.

Some people might say it’s a sad sign of the times when anytime the word, “lubricant” is used in a sentence, people snicker and interpret it sexually.  At the same time, you’d have to imagine the person in charge of choosing what to put on this sign that is illuminated so it can be clearly seen 24 hours a day would have enough street savvy to know that there’s a reason why no one says “lubricant” in casual conversation.  This sign might as well say, “When two people smile at each other they swap bodily fluids.”  Hell, you might actually find a surprising surge in Sunday mass attendance.  Speaking of signs that would surely improve church attendance…

You guys, this is like, the best church ever.  Actually we’re going to take back what we just said about this sign being able to increase church participation.  Because the type of person who would see this sign and go, “Boom, found me a new church” is also probably the type of person who would stand at the door and think, “…Chris Hansen is totally waiting for me in there, isn’t he?  Man, it’s not worth it, I’m out of here.”

Because, in all honesty, how could this sign be interpreted as anything but sexual?  Is there a fellatio based section in the New Testament no one told us about?  We assumed that was just a Hindu thing. 

See?  There totally is a section that we clearly weren’t told about.  Damn it!  So many wasted years!

…heh….

……heh…heheh…..

But hey, this isn’t all about “oral sex jokes” and, well…you know.  There’s also signs like…

But that has to be an anomaly right?  There couldn’t possibly be other signs so heavy handed (ha!  Puns…)

Okay, sure, those are two examples.  We at least can safely assume that there are no posts about mutual masturbation…

…Well, consider us corrected then.  Still, these are just a bit too over the top.  Mistranslations, possible photoshop trickery, who knows.  It’s not like you’ll see a church write something that you assume you’d hear in a rap song before seeing it on a church bulletin, right?

…No…no, this..this isn’t going to be the start of a trend…it…it just can’t…

Oh…Well… This is getting a little too scary.  When you take things that shouldn’t be rapping, and make them rap, it’s a slippery slope on if it’s brilliant or soul crushing.  For example, a rapping granny?  Hilarious!  Rapping porn star?  Uhh…not…not so much.  We’re crossing into dangerous territory here, let’s keep it, well, offensive and sexual.

Oh…just…just…there are…there are no words.  Ohhh, no words at all.