Tag Archives: Bible

The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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Ridiculous Church Signs of America

“Jigga wha?”

~Jesus

If you’ve ever read the constitution, there’s probably some section in there about how church and state need to do their own thing.  We at AFFotD agree with that.  Too much Jesus talk makes us feel sort of weird, but honestly there’s just one religion out there that really freaks us out.  You know the one.  The one that likes fire so much.

Yup.  Zoroastrians are weird.  We’re fine with all other religions though, but we’d rather not talk about them.  Really, as long as you aren’t those goddamn Persian Zoroastrians, or the Westboro Baptist Church, we’re okay with you, but aren’t going to talk about you much.

But, while we choose not to get into religious discussions, we do appreciate it when religions try to convince people to go to their houses of worship, only to do so with hilariously accidental sexual innuendo.

Basically, this is just a veiled excuse to post funny church signs.  So enjoy.

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