Tag Archives: Elvis

American Sandwich Series: Sandwiches Oddities of America (Sweet Division)

“What?  You don’t think that’s a sweet-flavored sandwich?  It’s got fruit in it, for God’s sake.  Yes, cranberry counts as a fruit, I don’t give a shit if it’s tart!”

~Inter-Office Debate Among AFFotD Staffers

sandwich fool

For the past few weeks, we’ve been shouting at you about various sandwiches that originated in America, using a list of arbitrary rules that, frankly, we’ve ignored more often than not in deciding what sandwiches warrant inclusion in our Sandwiches of America series.  We’re now in the homestretch, where we talk about what we’ve deemed to be the oddest sandwiches in America.  Admittedly, most entries in the open faced sandwich article, and some regional entries, definitely qualify as “odd” but we needed to limit this article’s length so we just kind of played fast and loose with our definitions of regional sandwiches and just general oddities.  Deal with it, this is already published, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

For the rest of you who don’t particularly care about what sandwich shows up in which article, we’ll delve into our second to last article, where we tell you about strange sandwiches that we’ve decided to arbitrarily place in the “sweet” category.

American Sandwich Series:  Sandwiches Oddities of America (Sweet Division)

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American Sandwich Series: Lesser-Known Regional Sandwiches of America (Mountain, West Coast and Southern Edition)

“No, we’re not going to do EVERY Southern barbecue sandwich, we’re not insane.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

 sandwiches

So, we’ve been writing about sandwiches a lot lately, and we’re going to keep that train going.  Okay, listen, this is the sixth article out of eight about how bread is a thing that can taste better when you put random shit in it, so at a certain point you just run out of ways to introduce the damn topic.  “Hi, AFFotD here.  As you’ve surely noticed, we’ve decided to take on the daunting task of telling you about every sandwich that’s unique enough to warrant discussion, outside of submarine style sandwiches that we covered in a four part series a year ago.  After telling you about classic sandwiches, open face monstrosities, regional sandwiches of the East, and the unhealthy bread monsters birthed by the Midwest, we’re going to cover the rest of the nation, focusing on the South (and Miami, which doesn’t really count as the south), the Mountain Time Zone region, and the West Coast.”

Huh actually that was a decent way to set up this article.  We’re not really sure why we put it in sarcastic quotation marks, come to think of it.  Anyway, let’s talk sandwiches!

American Sandwich Series:  Lesser-Known Regional Sandwiches of America (Mountain, West Coast and Southern Edition)

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Five Strange Auction Items

“Worth it.  Totally worth it.”

~No, guy…it isn’t

marilyn monroe dress

Most Americans buy their goods in the typical fashion—on sale from a Wal-Mart while fending off ghosts summoned from the Indian Burial Ground the store was built on top of.  One-stop shopping.  Of course some people have copious amounts of money and the strange obsessive ticks that you only see in inbred European nobility and coke-addled money men who struck it big in the 80’s, and they prefer to buy their items from auctions.  Not useful items, like food, clothes, or cheap DVDs that trick you into thinking they’re blockbuster films, of course.  No, these intrepid individuals like to throw money at things like Bonnie and Clyde’s guns, or a Brazilian girl’s virginity (oh how we wish we were making that one up).

When you think about the fact that millionaires literally competed with each other to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on these following items, you can rest comfortably in your futon knowing that you can never be happy without money.  Wait, that doesn’t sound right…

Five Strange Auction Items

elvis hair

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 4 of 10)

“No, this is MY Jack Daniels.  Don’t touch it!  MINE!  ALL for ME!”

~The greatest Tennessean

america states of america

PART FOUR

America has so many states, we can’t count them all right now because cards on the table we’re pretty hammered at the moment, but it’s at least twenty, and we know that because we’ve already listed the most American qualities of the first fifteen states to join the United States, and we’ve got a list of five more right here.  Fasten your seat belts, readers, you can ask yourself why you’d need seat belts while sitting at your desk (or while on the toilet—hi there smart phone users!) some other time, because we’re here to continue our American states of America feature with the most American qualities of states number 16-20.  For America!

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The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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