“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”
Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.” No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list. Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task. Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah he did that too.
Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12th, 1809 in a one-room log cabin in Kentucky. He was the second child of Thomas Lincoln and Nancy Lincoln, who immediately regretted a joke they made while old Honest Abe was in the womb. When Nancy was about four months pregnant, she joked, “Hopefully the child does not come out being six feet tall,” to which Thomas said, “Ha, could you imagine?” A prenatal Abraham Lincoln nodded once and said, “Game on, motherfuckers.”
He admittedly said it in an adorable baby Lincoln voice.
Lincoln emerged from his mother’s womb at his adult height of 6 feet and 4 inches, but back then, height was a lot like money- if you account for height inflation (shut up, it’s a thing), Abraham Lincoln was roughly nine feet tall by today’s measurements. In fact, most giant Lincoln statues that you’ll see in Illinois are actually life-sized replicas of the famed bearded president. It should go without saying that baby Lincoln was born with a lush full beard, and that as soon as the midwife cleaned him up, he crawled outside, killed a bear, and used that Bear corpse to cut down a dozen trees. We don’t need to reiterate that fact because all of you went to school, and every single History textbook starts off with the story of Infant Lincoln and the Grizzly Bear Axe. That tale is about as universally recognized as the fact that Lincoln wrote the fucking Emancipation Proclamation.
Which he did while riding a Grizzly Bear using an American Flag as a saddle as he brandished a machine gun. Again, you know all this already.
His mother eventually died when he was nine years old from milk sickness, which is a totally real thing. This is likely the most absurd sounding cause of death for a badass American’s parent since the time that James Monroe’s parents died from swimming in a pool less than thirty minutes after eating. Lincoln eventually developed a loving relationship with his stepmother, whom he referred to as “mother”, while he had a stony relationship with his father, who he sort of resented for not being well educated.
Abraham Lincoln was good at two things in his teenage and young adult years. He could out debate anyone who tried to get into a debate battle with him (life in the 1830’s got boring as hell) or he could beat the crap out of whoever tried to get in an actual battle with him (again, life in the 1830’s got boring as well). To properly understand the insane strength that Lincoln had, at one point when getting in a fight with the leader of a local gang, because why the hell not, the rest of the gang joined in and started to try (key word there, try) to beat Lincoln up. Lincoln responded by laughing like a crazy person, as if the thrashes of a group of men only tickled him. Here’s a picture.
He also once tossed a dude twelve feet for fighting during a speech, because messing with Lincoln was slightly stupider than messing with sharks while sporting fresh amputation wounds. While Lincoln was beginning his political career as a Whig, he managed to get on the bad side of James Shields, the State Auditor of Illinois who should be portrayed by Crispen Glover in any and all film adaptations.
Shields wasn’t particularly good at his job, and Lincoln made fun of him, telling him, “You’re not particularly good at your job.” Shields had not seen enough giants to know that you’re not supposed to fuck with giants, so he challenged Lincoln to a duel. Lincoln’s initial response was, “…really?” Lincoln didn’t even want to beat this guy up because…well, come on, look at him. He wouldn’t even be imposing as a villain on The Fifth Element.
30% of 19th century political figures looked like Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element.
Lincoln proceeded to come up with the most absurd terms for the fight, hoping Shield’s would come to his senses. Except that Shields was a prick (see also: challenging Lincoln to a goddamn duel) and wouldn’t back down. So, a sword fight, in a pit, on an island, with a barrier in the middle that would make it literally impossible for Shields to touch Lincoln, who as we mentioned was practically a giant, was set up. Yet, Shields still went ahead with it… until he saw Lincoln…
And immediately went, “Shit, nevermind.”
Of course, this was not the first time Lincoln was forced to throw down. Lincoln, as we all know, was able to become popular politically due to his combination of oratory abilities, his anti-slavery stance, and his ability to morph his limbs into technologically advanced weaponry.
Pictured above, Lincoln’s…….you know, never mind
When Lincoln was elected as President of America, many southern states seceded, at which point Lincoln looked coldly at his Cabinet and said, “Looks like this shit isn’t going to stay…” before putting on a pair of sunglasses and saying, “Civil.”
As the Civil War waged, Lincoln knew he had to do something to help reunite the nation, while also improving America for the better. His first step was to develop the ability to shoot bullets out of his mouth, which he then used to free all the Slaves in America. When politicians started to object about the Emancipation Proclamation, Lincoln calmly pointed to his mouth and all critics fell silent.
Another stipulation for the passing of the thirteenth amendment was that Lincoln was never again allowed to use the term “This time I’m playing for keeps.”
Eventually, Lincoln was able to reunite America, and abolish slavery, but as we all know, he tragically was unable to complete his second term, when he was shot in the back of the head while attending a play. This gave him such a bad case of chronic headaches that he had to fake his death, and secretly retire to the Ozarks.
“Ah, dude. Quit it.”