Holy Smoke Bullets are PEOPLE!

“*Unintelligible rage gargle*”

~Steven Seagal


America knows how to do vengeance pretty well.  Sure, England burned down our White House, but we helped shut down their longest running newspaper.  Yeah, Japan sneak attacked us at Pearl Harbor, but…you know…boom.  Once we figured out how much of a scam Columbia Record Club was, we ran those bastards out of business.  The point is, America loves getting even almost as much as it loves fatty food, and lord knows how America loves its fatty food.  In fact, if there’s only one thing that overshadows our insatiable revenge-fueled blood lust, it’s our pure-insanity driven invention ideas.

Now, we don’t talk about guns a lot here, because normally we’re busy eating double cheeseburgers, and we’re legally prohibited from discussing certain grease related accidental gun discharges until the judge sets a court date.  But, guns are extremely exciting for most Americans, and are even better than alcohol at artificially inflating your self-esteem.

We’re not gun nuts or anything, we just want to point out that Die Hard would have been a lot less exciting if Bruce Willis was using mace or a tazer or something.  Which is why our interest was piqued when we saw the perfect insane American invention that takes all the confidence building of guns, all the craziness of most of our inventions, and combines the two to scoop out delicious ladles-full of vengeance.

What we’re trying to say is…some glorious bastards in Alabama decided to make bullets out of dead people.

Lock and load, motherfuckers.

The concept is simple.  When your loved one passes, you send one pound of their ashes to a company called “Holy Smoke” (because it’s always comforting to give a company specializing in the handling of cremated remains a name that sounds like it should be a Bar-B-Q restaurant) and for a mere $1,250 you can have those ashes placed inside 250 shot shells, 250 pistol cartridges, or 100 rifle cartridges.

Someone finally decided to tap the market of people who respond to tragedy by wanting to shoot at a shitload of things (seriously, you guys, 250 bullets!?) and we’re actually surprised it took this long.  The founder of the company expressed his motivation for this idea in a vaguely “potential serial killer” kind of way, when he stated, “I want to be cremated.  Then I want my ashes put into some turkey load shotgun shells and have someone that knows how to turkey hunt use the shotgun shells to shoot a turkey.  That way I will rest in peace knowing that the last thing that one turkey will see is me, screaming at him at 900 feet per second.”

“AGHHHHHHHH”- photo unrelated.

Um, okay listening to that we have two immediate responses.  One- holy shit, that’s amazing, and two- you stay away from our daughter you goddamn psychopath.  We’ve heard less unsettling speeches from Anthony Hopkins, and his first language is “Terror (British).”  But, we do support the admittedly obsessive enforcement of our “Fuck nature” credo, and the idea of shooting dead people to kill things gives us incredibly confusing erections.

After much exhaustive (read as: drunk) research (read as: drinking), we were able to come up with the two most likely uses for dead people bullets, and how Americans can most effectively use them to both preserve the memory of their recently departed, as well as, well, you know, just shooting shit.

This.

The first probability is that these bullets exist as a cure for Zombism.  This is very possible, as we admittedly aren’t the most knowledgeable experts on Zombie creation, but you’d have to figure that shooting a zombie in the head with a dead person’s ashes in there would be even more effective than shooting them with a regular bullet.  Even better, you can toss in a whole slew of one-liners when using them, like, “Aunt Cindy says hi,” “Chew on this,” or “Ashes to ashes, now you’re dead.”  The last one needs work, but you get the general idea.

A large basis for our assumption here is that, since we don’t like steak that is overcooked, Zombies probably won’t want to gnaw on human bits that have been cooked to the point of ash (Oh shit, “Kiss my ash” would be another good line to use).  Either way, it’s always a good idea to have bullets in case of a full blown Zombie Apocalypse, so keeping these bullets handy is just good common sense.  Plus, they come in very solemn, sensible wooden boxes for storage.

*headshot*  “Looks like you got a little humanity in you AFTER ALL!”  Yes.  Nailed it.

The other, slightly more realistic use of these bullets operates under the fairly universal assumption that there will come a point in every American’s life where a crime syndicate will kill their family, and they are forced to enact vengeance in a manner most commonly seen in Stephen Seagal movies.  It goes without saying that as you mete out your legally allowed measures of vigilantism, hunting down those responsible one by one, you’d be using the bullets of your dead family to add significance to each act of revenge.  In fact, it would be irresponsible of you not to use dead-person bullets to do this.  After you fire the last of your bullets, you can stand on a dock as the sun begins to set and sad piano music plays in the background as you look at a Polaroid of yourself with your family back before the whole mess started.  You are allowed a single solitary tear at that point, and then the camera would cut to the credits.

So those are the two basic markets we can see dead person bullets appealing too.  And both of those are acceptably American.  And the turkey thing too, we guess, but that still sort of weirds us out.

So now you know about human made bullets, so if you ever see a 1970’s-era Charlton Heston burst into a room screaming, “Holy Smoke bullets are people,” you can reply, “No duh” and cap him in the leg with your Uncle Jonathon.    

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