Tag Archives: The White House

The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

“Fuck you I want my own goddamn desk.”

~Lyndon B. Johnson

white house desk

Years ago, in the infancy of our existence as a website, we wrote about The White House, because what is more American than having our President live a mansion where he can get his work done while having a cheeseburger sent to his room at 3AM as he drunkenly calls the President of Greece to tell him that Ouzo sucks? But we didn’t really devote a lot of time to the actual Oval Office, where shit gets done.  And when we think of the one defining feature of the Oval Office (other than the shape, smartass), we think of the desk where the President sits and, we can say this with absolute certainty, farts at least a few times a day.

The President’s desk is ornate, and “presidential” and, somewhat shockingly, usually shared. In fact, in the whole history of the White House, there have only been six desks used in the Oval Office, many shared by Presidents with very different ideologies who somehow have managed to avoid carving dicks in the wood as a gift to their successors. We’re amazed they had the restraint. We wouldn’t have. If we had to give our desk to the guy replacing us, it’d be dick central. You couldn’t find a spot on the thing that didn’t have dicks.

This article is not going to be about dicks carved into White House furniture. It is, however about…

The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

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Holy Smoke Bullets are PEOPLE!

“*Unintelligible rage gargle*”

~Steven Seagal


America knows how to do vengeance pretty well.  Sure, England burned down our White House, but we helped shut down their longest running newspaper.  Yeah, Japan sneak attacked us at Pearl Harbor, but…you know…boom.  Once we figured out how much of a scam Columbia Record Club was, we ran those bastards out of business.  The point is, America loves getting even almost as much as it loves fatty food, and lord knows how America loves its fatty food.  In fact, if there’s only one thing that overshadows our insatiable revenge-fueled blood lust, it’s our pure-insanity driven invention ideas.

Now, we don’t talk about guns a lot here, because normally we’re busy eating double cheeseburgers, and we’re legally prohibited from discussing certain grease related accidental gun discharges until the judge sets a court date.  But, guns are extremely exciting for most Americans, and are even better than alcohol at artificially inflating your self-esteem.

We’re not gun nuts or anything, we just want to point out that Die Hard would have been a lot less exciting if Bruce Willis was using mace or a tazer or something.  Which is why our interest was piqued when we saw the perfect insane American invention that takes all the confidence building of guns, all the craziness of most of our inventions, and combines the two to scoop out delicious ladles-full of vengeance.

What we’re trying to say is…some glorious bastards in Alabama decided to make bullets out of dead people.

Lock and load, motherfuckers.

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