“Fuck you I want my own goddamn desk.”
~Lyndon B. Johnson
Years ago, in the infancy of our existence as a website, we wrote about The White House, because what is more American than having our President live a mansion where he can get his work done while having a cheeseburger sent to his room at 3AM as he drunkenly calls the President of Greece to tell him that Ouzo sucks? But we didn’t really devote a lot of time to the actual Oval Office, where shit gets done. And when we think of the one defining feature of the Oval Office (other than the shape, smartass), we think of the desk where the President sits and, we can say this with absolute certainty, farts at least a few times a day.
The President’s desk is ornate, and “presidential” and, somewhat shockingly, usually shared. In fact, in the whole history of the White House, there have only been six desks used in the Oval Office, many shared by Presidents with very different ideologies who somehow have managed to avoid carving dicks in the wood as a gift to their successors. We’re amazed they had the restraint. We wouldn’t have. If we had to give our desk to the guy replacing us, it’d be dick central. You couldn’t find a spot on the thing that didn’t have dicks.
This article is not going to be about dicks carved into White House furniture. It is, however about…
The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, America Fun Fact of the Day, Miscellaneous America, Our Greatest Presidents
Tagged America, FDR, George HW Bush, Herbert Hoover, HMS Resolute, Hoover Desk, JFK, Lyndon B Johnson, Lyndon Johnson, Oval Office, Presidential Desks, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt Desk, The C&O Desk, The Johnson Desk, The Resolute Desk, The White House, The Wilson Desk, US Presidents, Woodrow Wilson
“Squack, I’ll keep whatever pet I goddamn well please, squack.”
~Andrew Jackson’s Pet Parrot
It’s almost an unwritten rule that America’s President take care of a pet during their stay in the White House, even if the only reason is that having a pet is a good way to make the man with more power than anyone else in the free world just a tad bit more relatable. And also because pets are adorable. Currently, the White House is home to two Portuguese Water Dogs, and dogs and cats are pretty typical presidential pets because they’re pretty typical regular pets. But that’s not always the case. Throughout our nation’s histories, some presidents have decided, “I’m the President, goddamn it, I can choose any pet I want” before taking care of the best and most insane pets ever.
Here are five times that American Presidents thought a bit outside the box when it came to pets.
The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Obscure American History, Our Greatest Presidents, Strange America
Tagged America, Andrew Jackson, Calvin Coolidge, Cats, Dogs, Herbert Hoover, John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren, Pets, Presidential Pets, Presidents, Thomas Jefferson
“No. Seriously. I won’t lose.”
~Smedley Butler Playing a Game of Bullshit
We recently wrote an article that focused on the Medal of Honor—mainly, how the military’s highest honor, now given only to acts of almost impossible levels of valor, was sort of tossed around pretty willy-nilly in the years after the Civil War and before World War I. In that discussion, we briefly mentioned a U.S. Marine named Smedley Butler, who straight up tried to turn down his first Medal of Honor (yes, he was later awarded a second one) because he didn’t think he deserved it. We then came to realize that Smedley Butler, a badass with a kind of funny first name, isn’t really well known to the casual American—hell, we had only sort of stumbled across his career by accident.
And that’s some bullshit, because Smedley Butler died as the most highly decorated Marine in U.S. history, and served 34 years where he managed to collect medals, tropical diseases, and tactics for tricking the enemy like it was his job. Well, it sort of was his job, he was a marine, but you get the picture.
So allow us to spend three thousand words or so gushing about Smedley Butler, The Fighting Quaker.
Ha ha, holy shit, this picture.
Posted in American Heroes, Fighters
Tagged America, American Expeditionary Force, American History, Banana Wars, Boxer Rebellion, Business Plot, Calvin Coolidge, FDR, Haiti, Herbert Hoover, Honduras, Littleton Waller, Marine Corps Brevet Medal, Marines, Medal of Honor, Nicaragua, Old Duckboard, Old Gimlet Eye, Philippine-American War, Quantico, Smedley Butler, Smedley D. Butler, Spanish-American War, Stonewall Jackson's Arm, The Fighting Quaker, Woodrow Wilson, World War I
“Heh heh. Cox. I mean, Mr. Governer.”
~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920
As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents. 43 presidents maybe? 45? Either way, it’s less than 50. And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.
The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person. Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name. George Washington. A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.” Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.
Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way. The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle. That’s why we present for you…
The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President
Posted in The Best of the Rest, The Other Guys
Tagged America, American Presidents, Barack Obama, FDR, Federalist Party, George Bush, George WAshington, Gerald Ford, Green Clay Smith, Herbert Hoover, Horatio Seymour, James M. Cox, Jimmy Carter, Presidents, Prohibtion Party, Rufus King, Silas C. Swallow, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, Wendell Willkie