Tag Archives: Dogs

The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History

“Squack, I’ll keep whatever pet I goddamn well please, squack.”

~Andrew Jackson’s Pet Parrot


It’s almost an unwritten rule that America’s President take care of a pet during their stay in the White House, even if the only reason is that having a pet is a good way to make the man with more power than anyone else in the free world just a tad bit more relatable  And also because pets are adorable.

When this article was written, in the before times, the White House was home to two Portuguese Water Dogs, and dogs and cats are pretty typical presidential pets because they’re pretty typical regular pets.  But that’s not always the case. Throughout our nation’s histories, some presidents have decided, “I’m the President, goddamn it, I can choose any pet I want” before taking care of the best and most insane pets ever.

Here are five times that American Presidents thought a bit outside the box when it came to pets.

The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History


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Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad: An Important Exposé

“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”

~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS

mcchey 1

This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill.

For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet? The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics.

McConaughey drives a Lincoln. Soft music plays. He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

America has stood behind that. Nay, America has united behind that.

But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.

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Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

“Dogs make the most loyal of pets and the most ruthless killers of Nazis.”

~General George S. Patton [citation needed]

Easy question time- what is man’s best friend?  If you answered “The darkness” then get the fuck out of here Rembrant, how the hell did you get out of your restraints?  If you answered “My cat can spell out words using spaghetti-o’s” then we’ve been meaning to tell you, local ordinances says you’re not allowed to have 15 cats in your apartment.  You’re not.  What the hell would you do with 15 cats unless you were forming an army to fight laser beams and pieces of yarn?  Guys, come on, the answer is dog.  That’s rookie.  It’s written on a plaque on the moon and everything [citation needed].

Okay, so we’re going to be honest here.  You’ve probably heard about how Wikipedia has gone dark to protest SOPA/PIPA.  And yes, that’s sort of harshing our buzz a little.  We’re not saying that we get our information almost exclusively from Wikipedia or anything, but…well it’s the best tool available for a drunk crew of writers.  But we do stand opposed to SOPA, so we’re not going to let us down, especially when we have an important topic to talk about.  So we’re going to tell you about the most American pet in existence, and if there’s any information we’d normally rely on Wikipedia to get, we’ll just fill in the gaps with what we assume has to be factual and give you one of those nifty “[citation needed]” doohickeys.

Dogs.  Known in Latin as “Canineus Awesomesauce” [citation needed], dogs are the only animal that legally is allowed to hold public office [citation needed].  So sit back and wait for your specifically trained doggie butler to fetch you a goddamn scotch and soda (on the ROCKS this time, goddamn it) as we wax poetic about…

Dogs:  Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter


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