Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad: An Important Exposé

“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”

~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS

This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill.

For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet? The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics.

McConaughey drives a Lincoln. Soft music plays. He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

America has stood behind that. Nay, America has united behind that.

But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.

For the uninitiated, the current Lincoln commercial making the rounds features McConaughey talking to his dogs in the back seat of the car (after extensive research we can confirm that these dogs were actor dogs, and not his own personal dogs. He does have dogs, however- three, as we can best determine.)

We cannot vouch for the safety of the dogs in this commercial, which you can watch in its entirety here, nor can we vouch for his personal canines. All we know is that, if the dialogue of the Lincoln commercial is to be believed, Matthew McConaughey is a bad Dog Dad, and possible even a criminally negligent one.

Let’s delve into the dialogue here.

“What do you think, boys? We could do tacos, we could do some Thai. Oo, how bout sushi, huh?”

*dog whimpers*

“Why not?”

*Dog barks*

“No, we’re not, we’re not having barbecue again.”

*dog whimpers*

“Why? Because you’re on four legs and I’m on two. And I’m driving. Sushi it is.”

This is not a good Dog Dad. This is, in fact, a very bad Dog Dad. Let’s break this down into the four food choices he offers.

Sushi: While rice and fish are not going to cause too much distress to a dog, most experts advise against the consumption of raw or undercooked meats by your dog. Note, this is what McConaughey is going to feed to his Dog Children.

Barbecue: This again is very questionable Dog Food. Meat on its own is fine, but Animal Poison Control guidelines point out, “Large amounts of salt can produce excessive thirst and urination, or even sodium ion poisoning in pets.” Note, heavily seasoned, likely salty barbecue is what McConaughey has already fed his Dog Children.

Tacos:  Onions, when eaten in sufficiently large doses, “can cause gastrointestinal irritation and could lead to red blood cell damage.” Additionally, citric acid (you know, if you happen to have a taco served with lime) causes upset stomachs in dogs.

Thai Food:  See above, and add in the fact that garlic can also cause the same irritation and damage as onions. No sane person should even consider feeding Thai food to their dog. Unless, of course, they are noted Bad Dog Dad, Matthew McConaughey.

In conclusion, and in summation, Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad. Please keep his Real Life Dog, Foxy, in your prayers.