Tag Archives: Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad: An Important Exposé

“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”

~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS

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This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill.  For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet?  The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics.  There’s McConaughey driving a Lincoln.  Soft music plays.  He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

America has stood behind that.  Nay, America has united behind that.  But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.

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We Even Are Good At Inventing Old Civilizations

“More like Machu…PEE-chew.  Yeah.  Shut up, it’s funny.”

~Hiram Bingham III

Whats the most American academic pursuit?  When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses.  “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered.  “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there.  “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.

The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many.  “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room.  We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble.  “What the hell is that?” someone asks.  “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then).  At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession.  Yeah, good answer, good answer.”  Like it was fucking Family Feud.

It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization.  We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii.  That man was Hiram Bingham III.

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