Tag Archives: puppies

Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

“Dogs make the most loyal of pets and the most ruthless killers of Nazis.”

~General George S. Patton [citation needed]

Easy question time- what is man’s best friend?  If you answered “The darkness” then get the fuck out of here Rembrant, how the hell did you get out of your restraints?  If you answered “My cat can spell out words using spaghetti-o’s” then we’ve been meaning to tell you, local ordinances says you’re not allowed to have 15 cats in your apartment.  You’re not.  What the hell would you do with 15 cats unless you were forming an army to fight laser beams and pieces of yarn?  Guys, come on, the answer is dog.  That’s rookie.  It’s written on a plaque on the moon and everything [citation needed].

Okay, so we’re going to be honest here.  You’ve probably heard about how Wikipedia has gone dark to protest SOPA/PIPA.  And yes, that’s sort of harshing our buzz a little.  We’re not saying that we get our information almost exclusively from Wikipedia or anything, but…well it’s the best tool available for a drunk crew of writers.  But we do stand opposed to SOPA, so we’re not going to let us down, especially when we have an important topic to talk about.  So we’re going to tell you about the most American pet in existence, and if there’s any information we’d normally rely on Wikipedia to get, we’ll just fill in the gaps with what we assume has to be factual and give you one of those nifty “[citation needed]” doohickeys.

Dogs.  Known in Latin as “Canineus Awesomesauce” [citation needed], dogs are the only animal that legally is allowed to hold public office [citation needed].  So sit back and wait for your specifically trained doggie butler to fetch you a goddamn scotch and soda (on the ROCKS this time, goddamn it) as we wax poetic about…

Dogs:  Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

 

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Copper Theft, America’s Favorite Crime

“So what if this is a live power station, I’m gonna get this copper wire if it kills m…”

~Last words of this fucker

 

Discovery and profit are no longer mutually inclusive terms.  In fact, as the world gets larger in population but smaller in innovation, the concept of striking it rich and encountering unforeseeable treasures becomes increasingly fantastical.  Gone is the thrill of Magellan’s exploration of uncharted land, increasingly improbable is the opportunistic zeal of the California Gold Rush.

But Americans love adventure, and even more than that, they love earning a lot of money without needing anything as far as “noticeable skill sets” go.  Actually, we don’t even care too much for adventure- mixing alcohol with codeine is all the adventure most of us need for any given weekend- but we do love getting money we don’t earn.  And by that, we mean stealing.  And while you might need some amount of intelligence to con someone, you don’t need to have anything more than a moving truck to earn money in a way that an increasing amount of Americans are (illegally) doing.

Yup, we’re stealing the shit out of copper wire.  And we’re here to salute that.

When you google image search “stealing copper” you see a disturbing amount of charred corpses.  So here’s a picture of a baby bunny rabbit instead.

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