“No. Seriously. I won’t lose.”
~Smedley Butler Playing a Game of Bullshit
We recently wrote an article that focused on the Medal of Honor—mainly, how the military’s highest honor, now given only to acts of almost impossible levels of valor, was sort of tossed around pretty willy-nilly in the years after the Civil War and before World War I. In that discussion, we briefly mentioned a U.S. Marine named Smedley Butler, who straight up tried to turn down his first Medal of Honor (yes, he was later awarded a second one) because he didn’t think he deserved it. We then came to realize that Smedley Butler, a badass with a kind of funny first name, isn’t really well known to the casual American—hell, we had only sort of stumbled across his career by accident.
And that’s some bullshit, because Smedley Butler died as the most highly decorated Marine in U.S. history, and served 34 years where he managed to collect medals, tropical diseases, and tactics for tricking the enemy like it was his job. Well, it sort of was his job, he was a marine, but you get the picture.
So allow us to spend three thousand words or so gushing about Smedley Butler, The Fighting Quaker.
Ha ha, holy shit, this picture.
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Posted in American Heroes, Fighters
Tagged America, American Expeditionary Force, American History, Banana Wars, Boxer Rebellion, Business Plot, Calvin Coolidge, FDR, Haiti, Herbert Hoover, Honduras, Littleton Waller, Marine Corps Brevet Medal, Marines, Medal of Honor, Nicaragua, Old Duckboard, Old Gimlet Eye, Philippine-American War, Quantico, Smedley Butler, Smedley D. Butler, Spanish-American War, Stonewall Jackson's Arm, The Fighting Quaker, Woodrow Wilson, World War I
“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt. I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”
~Some fucking hipster
We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it. The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway. If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.
Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease. It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia). But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.
We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…
That’s right. It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain. We know, you’re so happy right now. Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.
“Smells like PTSD.”
When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence. We understand that, it’s weird. It’s personal. And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing. If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones. If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag. If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you? Holy shit, you totally are. You totally are.
So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like. We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us. We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.
But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military! Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!
Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.
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Posted in Strange America
Tagged Air Force, America, Army, Coast Guard, Devil Dog, Earthworm Jim, General Patton, Liberty, Marines, Navy, Parfumologie, patton, rip tide, Rule 34, Stealth, The American Line, United States Military