“Magic, science, magic, science, tomato paste.”
America loves to eat what their heroes eat. What’s the point of living in a Capitalistic society if you can’t buy the food that astronauts eat? And while you can’t go out and purchase a “Firefighter’s Dinner” you can purchase a bottle of American Honey and drink it in your office’s broom closet at ten in the morning. Which is why it is surprising that, of the various ways we can force our children to emulate our most American professions, you have to go on ebay if you want to buy our soldiers’ Field Rations.
Yes, MREs (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) have been around since 1981, and while some 99% of our population will never get to try them, we’ve spent more time and money perfecting these culinary taunting of the laws of physics than we did trying to make a pen that can write in space.
We normally would find these practically indestructible edibles pretty American on their own right, but it wasn’t until reading this article describing the Army’s efforts to create caffeinated beef jerky that we decided to have MREs jump the queue and get their own, personal Fun Fact.
MREs Will Outlast Anything in Your Kitchen
“Smells like PTSD.”
When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence. We understand that, it’s weird. It’s personal. And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing. If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones. If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag. If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you? Holy shit, you totally are. You totally are.
So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like. We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us. We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.
But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military! Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!
Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.
Posted in Strange America
Tagged Air Force, America, Army, Coast Guard, Devil Dog, Earthworm Jim, General Patton, Liberty, Marines, Navy, Parfumologie, patton, rip tide, Rule 34, Stealth, The American Line, United States Military