Tag Archives: Navy

America’s Military Dolphins and Sea Lions

“Snorky…talk…man.”

~King Snorky

johnny mnemonnic

Dolphins—nature’s cute, bubbly, highly intelligent rape monsters that we just can’t help but love who jump through hoops when attractive women in wetsuits blow a whistle.  We inherently think that dolphins are adorable because they look like they’re smiling, and they are very easy to be trained into playing with inflatable balls for your amusement.  The prevailing cultural image of the dolphin is Flipper, the loyal friend, slash, carefree frolicker.

The American military, however, had other ideas.  They looked at the dolphin and thought, possibly while just a bit drunk, “What if, like *burp* we made, like, dolphin soldiers?”  Which is why in 1960, the Navy began studying dolphins for military purposes, eventually establishing the United States Marine Mammal Program, which started its first military project in 1965.  Yes, we have an army of Navy-trained dolphins (and sea lions) at our disposal.  Yes, that is just about the coolest sentence we’ve gotten to write this week.  Fuck yeah, dolphin army.

America’s Military Dolphins and Sea Lions

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The 1778 American Invasion of Whitehaven, England

“Yeah I’ll invade England, whatever, I do what I want, you ain’t the boss of me.”

~John Paul Jones

whitehaven

Considering that we wouldn’t have ended up becoming a country if the end result had gone a different way, it’s surprising how little about the Revolutionary War the average American is aware of.  We know about the Declaration of Independence, and Concord and Lexington at the start of things.  We know Bunker Hill.  We know that Benedict Arnold was an asshole, and that Nathanael Greene was a badass, and that Yorktown pretty much sealed the whole deal for us.  But apart from the founding fathers, and some iconic imagery of George Washington, when we think of the American Revolution we think of the early battles up until, say, Saratoga…and then, us eventually winning.

There were four years of war between Saratoga and Yorktown, and in general our history books kind of gloss over that period.  Pretty much the only people talking about that time period were, say, the screenwriters for The Patriot, and even with that you’d not immediately recall that the climax of that movie was 1781’s Battle of Cowpens.  We bring this up not to shame our history teachers—we get it, there’s a lot of important stuff to get through, and you might as well focus on the greatest hits—but rather to remind America that there was a lot of badassery going down in the American Revolution that gets swept under the rug.  We’re here to lift up that rug and show you those awesome, awesome dustballs.

Let’s talk about the time America invaded England.

The 1778 American Invasion of Whitehaven, England

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The Army Smells Like General Patton

“Smells like PTSD.”

~The Army


When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence.  We understand that, it’s weird.  It’s personal.  And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing.  If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones.  If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag.  If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you?  Holy shit, you totally are.  You totally are.

So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like.  We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us.  We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.

But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military!  Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!

Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/3- April 3rd in American History

“You know the deal, people.  Just post some random shit that happened today.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

As we discussed in last week’s America Fun Fact of the Day, we really like to half-ass things on the weekend.  Yeah, we’ve got our vodka swimming pool and condor egg omelets to worry about, but we do try to give ourselves a moment to make sure to let you know what has happened on each Sunday in America.  So, without further ado, here is…

The American History of April 3rd in America

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