“Ugh, I don’t care. Just have the research monkeys list off shit that happened today. I need some aspirin.”
~A Very Hungover Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Today is Sunday, which is a national day of “getting over Friday night and Saturday night” for many Americans, that 24 hour period where you re-hydrate and prepare yourself for another week at work. At America Fun Fact of the Day, we go to the offices everyday, mainly because it’s got more impressive amenities than any home, and also because we just installed the world’s first vodka swimming pool. Actually, the vodka swimming pool is the real draw currently. Just think about that. It’s a swimming pool. Only instead of water, it’s vodka. If you accidentally swallow the pool water, you don’t taste chlorine, you get wasted. We’ve had to fish so many bodies out of it these past few weeks, but no one would dares ask to get rid of it. We know the risks.
To be fair, it’s the next logical evolutionary step as far as pool based alcohol is concerned.
So despite the fact that we spend our time in the office, ignoring our “families,” “responsibilities in life,” and “going to the dentist, like, ever,” we do feel compelled to at least pretend to follow the traditional American work week structure. That’s why, from Monday through Friday, we give you top notch content, discussing important issues like Andrew Jackson’s dueling habits, or how the Washington Monument looks like a dong.
But come the weekend, we tend to take our foot off the accelerator. We’ll put a photo of the week here, or a clip show because we’re terrible people there, but we tend to prep ourselves for the following week of American Facts but just hopping into our vodka swimming pool, like that one scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day off.
You can interpret this how you want, but did you know that your body can absorb alcohol through its pours? Well, you can. There a whole bunch of places other than your mouth that alcohol can sneak into your bloodstream through.
So, we don’t really have the energy, or ibuprofen supplies to research a full, engrossing fun fact today. Instead, we will present you…
The American History of March 27th in America
1797- The Naval Act of 1794 is passed, officially establishing the United States Navy. This was the first instance of America trying to do something that England was famous for at the time, and eventually surpassing them in every way. America was a youthful nation at this time, but we’ve always been a nation of character and conviction. And by that, we mean we get what’s ours, and if you fuck with us, we will find what you’re good at, and outshine you in every possible way. You just wait, in thirty years this nation is going to be 30% oil fields.
1814- Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of Horseshoe Bend against the Creek Indians. This battle ended the Creek War, which was still part of the War of 1812 as a sort of war within a war scenario that we’re pretty sure was the basis for the movie Inception. The Creek tribe suffered 850 fatalities, compared to 47 for the American side, which isn’t that surprising since, you know, cannons. The Creek War also featured Davy Crockett, which really makes it a veritable who’s-who of American badasses.
1841- The first Steam Fire Engine was tested in New York, eventually leading to firetrucks making you have to pull over to the side of the road when they’re going by, and helping children loudly scream annoying siren sounds for two weeks after they first hear it. Seriously, EEE OOOO EEEE OOO, god that’s annoying.
1853- Someone, somewhere in America, punched a bird. Probably a pigeon. But they punched a bird, just, right in it’s smug bird face.
1860- M. L. Byrn patents the “Covered Gimlet screw with a ‘T’ handle.” This is more commonly known as the corkscrew. While you might have read “gimlet” and assumed “Gin and lime juice,” don’t let your yourself get too disappointed. It’s still something used for booze.
1886- The Apache warrior, Geronimo, surrenders to the U.S. Army, effectively ending the Apache War. He has since become a well known historical figure, primarily for his role in a sexual move used the The Fonz in Happy Days.
1930- The United States airs the first radio broadcast from a ship at sea for some reason or another.
2011- America Fun Fact of the Day writers don’t bother to look up any events happening on March 27th between 1930 and 2011, because there is a vodka swimming pool with their names in it.