Tag Archives: Cotton Candy

Point/Counterpoint: Are Flavored Vodkas American?

“It’s delicious!  *slap*  It’s disgusting!  *slap*  IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”

~Faye Dunaway

The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern.  Shotguns?  American.  Environmentalists?  Not American.  Hot Dogs?  American.  Tofu?  What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here?  Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.

“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”

This isn’t always the case, however.  Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers.  Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”?  What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky?  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?  All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.

We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes.  With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it.  You just don’t.”

That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits.  We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.

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Carnival Foods, America’s Dirty Little Secret

“The link between sugar and cavities have never been truly confirmed.  I say, let your dentist worry about it.”

~Milton S. Hershey

One of the least controversial statements an American can make is, “Carnivals are fucking awesome.”  Be it a state fair, a traveling amusement park, or a Cruise line where many passengers get gastronomical illnesses, carnivals encompass everything American, from the games of chance meant to scam hardworking marks to the impressively unhealthy food inventions that they spawn.

Carnival food in particular has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon in recent years, coinciding with the increasingly “Foodie” culture that many white people Americans have embraced.  After the breakdown of the “health food” movement, Americans correctly realized that they had wasted a good portion of the late 90’s eating things like “soy beans” and “wheatgrass” and other strange foods that come in unnatural colors like “green” and “brown.”  So Americans everywhere flocked to carnivals to revel in what carnivals do best: shortsighted innovation!

“So how about we take sugar, add some food coloring, spin it until it’s fluffy, and then stuff it in a bag a small child’s head can and will fit in?”

“Brilliant!”

As Americans, it’s our duty to go out of our way to find food that will wage war against our small intestines.  And Carnivals, state fairs, and outdoor festivals give Americans the best opportunity to ingest their yearly calorie intake in just a few minutes.  And goddamn it if that doesn’t sound American as hell to us.  Here are the most American foods you’ll every pay a Carnie to put in your mouth.

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