Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

whitecaps

We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

whitecaps-field

Item #1:  Beercheese Poutine

image003

Description

We’re going to show those Canadians a thing or two about food. Take fries add pulled pork, bbq sauce, beer cheese sauce and green onions put them all together and it makes all of our friends from the Great White North go from ‘Eh to Heeeeeey!

Appearance

Calling this sloppy is an insult to slobs.  It’s just a bunch of non-uniform waffle fries haphazardly covered in cheese with a few chunks of pulled pork tossed on and more chives than is frankly necessary.  The chive to cheese ratio is way out of whack, folks.

Our Initial Impression

This is an acceptably American decadent dish, because who doesn’t love beer cheese sauce with French fries, but we fear that the Whitecaps may have flown too close to the sun with this one.  Waffle fries, though incredible, are not a very stable poutine delivery device.  And their decision to replace the gravy aspect of poutine with barbequed pulled pork shows a real lack of foresight.  That strong barbeque flavor is just going to overpower the cheese sauce, and at that point why even have a beer cheese sauce.  Guys, just pump on the breaks a little bit here and you can still have yourself a quality heart attack waiting to happen.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

7.6

Item #2:  Cy Youngdae

cy-youngdae

Description

Having a donut, great! Two donuts, amazing! Have strawberries and whip cream sandwiched between two donuts is the Cy Young of all desserts! This will go down as arguable the greatest dessert in history.”

Appearance

Messy, but appealing.  It’s a doughnut whip-cream-and-strawberry sandwich, though the extra whip cream and strawberry on top probably gets in the way of, you know, actually eating the thing.

Our Initial Impression

Despite its stupid pun name, this looks fucking delicious, but also almost irresponsibly difficult to eat.  When dealing with the genre that is “sandwiches where the bread is doughnuts” one must think about practicality.  This sandwich is not built to last—as soon as you take your first (delicious, sugary, wonderfully decadent) bite roughly 90% of the filling will squirt out and land on your shirt.  And as much as it’s an American tradition to lose shirts to stains caused by unwieldy handheld items, you have to take that in account if you order this sandwich on a budget.  But, if you have a designated slop shirt (shut up it’s a thing) then you’re good to go to town.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

8.3

Item # 3:  Deep Fried Bubble Gum

fried-bubble-gum

Description

“Chewing gum and baseball has been synonymous. It’s in packs of baseball cards, it’s in the clubhouse, it’s in the dugout and now it’s in the deep fryer! Deep Fried Bubble gum is a home run of an idea!”

Appearance

Kind of like a colorful used condom.  (Sorry).

Our Initial Impression

It’s our understanding that most deep fried bubble gum, at least if you’re going the Texas State Fair route, just takes a bubble gum flavored marshmallow and covers it in a bubble gum flavored dough.  But given the dong-like cylindrical shape of the offering here, we’re worried that they’re not actually going the marshmallow route.  This looks like melted bubble gum sticks that were fried, and now you’re supposed to eat it.  We can do better, America.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

2.5

Item #4:  Dessert Fries

dessert-fries

Description

“The age long dispute between those that like sweet and those that like savory has been settled. Dessert Fries have the perfect amounts of French Fries, chocolate and strawberry sauce. It’s a Sweet and Savory paradise where everyone is welcome!”

Appearance

It looks like someone was stabbed when they got caught fucking up their friend’s fries by squeezing Hershey’s chocolate syrup on it, and he proceeded to bleed all over the plate as his final “fuck you” before death.

Our Initial Impression

Who the fuck was in charge here, a five year old kid?  This is the kind of thing you’d make and instantly regret when you’re stoned out of your mind at one in the morning and just happen to have a bunch of leftover fries from McDonald’s.  This is a bad idea, and we would rather eat a thousand deep fried bubble gums before being subjected to this nonsense.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

0.3, fuck you.

Item #5:  Hula Chicken Dance

pineapple-chicken-rice

Description

“From the land of poi, Don Ho and Barak Obama comes this mix of Hawaii and Japan. Take a pineapple, craft into a bowl then fill it with rice and Teriyaki chicken. So good it will give a third meaning to Aloha – “more please!””

Appearance

This looks both expensive and like a waste of pineapple.  That being said, it does look very fancy, with the perfectly hollowed out pineapple being delicately filled with like five hunks of chicken, three forkfuls of rice, and enough pineapple to let you know that it’s there, but not enough to justify an entire half of the fruit.

Our Initial Impression

While this probably tastes perfectly fine, it’s trying a bit too hard.  Call us old fashioned, but we like our gimmicky foods to lean on the actual food.  When the “oh man, this is crazy” factor comes from the vessel you serve it in, you’re just wasting our time.  If this dish was served on a plate, it would be boring, so why should we care that you hacked a pineapple up and decided to charge us an extra $5 for it?

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

5.8

Item #6:  Full Tower

corn-dawg

Description

“This incredible concoction could easily become the 8th wonder of the modern world just from its sheer beauty. A footlong corndog surrounded by onion rings is not only appeasing to the eye, but will make your taste buds say, “C’est fantastique””

Appearance

Do not make a cock rings joke do not make a cock rings joke do not make a cock rin-

Our Initial Impression

Cock rings.  DAMMIT.  Okay let’s try again.  This seems weird and impractical.  Corndogs are good, and onion rings are good, but you’re going to have to take off the onion rings to eat them no matter what, so why not just have a foot long corndog with a side of onion rings?  Looking at that image, there’s no real way to hold your corndog without scalding your hands in onion ring grease, which kind of defeats the purpose of having a corn dog.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

9.3 for taste, 4.2 for practicality.  Total score: 6.75

Item #7:  Mighty Mac Dog

mighty-mac-dog

Description

“All Michiganders know to cross from the Mitten to the U.P. you use the Mighty Mac. When you cross baseball and amazing you get the Mighty Mac Dog! A hot dog with mac n’ cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomato all on a pretzel bun. After you have this you’ll never be cross again.”

Appearance

Obscene, yet refined.  The pretzel roll gives an air of stability to the dog, lightly charred and topped with bacon, surprisingly un-messy mac and cheese, with tomato and lettuce as well for some fucking reason.

Our Initial Impression

This is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, but what the hell is the lettuce and tomato doing there?  First of all, lettuce.  Under no circumstances should lettuce be put on a hot dog.  It’s not even that it tastes bad, it’s that it’s completely unnecessary.  Look at everything going on with this dog, and look at the flimsy little wisps of pale lettuce up there.  You might notice the texture, but you definitely won’t taste it.  There’s no reason for it to be there.  And as for the tomato, normally, we’re fine with tomatoes on hot dogs, we are on record as listing the Chicago-style hot dog as the best in the country, but when you have bacon and mac and cheese on your hot dog smashed in a pretzel bun, you can stop there.  You don’t need anything else, why mess with perfection?

We know it might seem like we’re going at this entry really hard, but that’s because it’s so good we just hate to see them make these kinds of rookie mistakes.  That said, this is a strong contender for best dish.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

9.3

Item #8:  Nacho Mama’s PB&J

pgj

Description

The days of trading in your sandwich at the school lunch table are over! The traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich has been schooled. Come get your deep fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich coated in Doritos.”

Appearance

Like an Uncrustables came down with shingles.  (sorry.)

Our Initial Impression

We’re conflicted, but we’re willing to give anything covered in Doritos the benefit of the doubt.  Like, we’ve had peanut butter jelly sandwiches that have cheese, and it actually was pretty good, so we can see this working.  Like, it’s still the kind of idea you’d get from a bored high schooler packing his own lunch, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

6.8

Item #9:  The Alan Spammell

 spam-mannn

Description

“Fried Spam and mac n’ cheese might be a better duo that Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker… Well that might be a stretch, but you can chalk this up to be the best double play combo of the 2017 fan food voting. Fried spam, Mac N’ Cheese, topped with bacon and served on bun is truly a pitcher’s best friend.”

Appearance

With the eerily tongue-looking hunk of spam and the strategically placed bacon, this looks like something that would start talking to you if you dropped some bad acid.  He would have a borderline offensive stereotypical accent from an island nation, probably.  Are we sure this is an actual food item and not a character from the cutting room floor of Sausage Party?

Our Initial Impression

This is like a white trash McMuffin.  If sodium poisoning held open casting calls for a mascot, the Alan Spamell would be a finalist.  Also, ugh, pun names are the worst.  This is something that you’d love the first bite of, but by the time you finish you just feel sweaty and guilty.  Still, that first bite gives it some bonus points.

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

6.4

Item #10:  The Last Samuroll

sushi

Description

“From the Land of the Rising Sun comes the best thing to happen to America since Pokemon! We’re going take that sushi roll put it on a stick, deep fry it and add a little Siracha! It won’t be the Last Samuroll you’ll ever eat.”

Appearance

A crispy sushi roll with cucumber and…possibly fake crab on the inside, and pale orange “Siracha” squirted on its golden crust.  Is there fish in there that you can see?  Not a great question to have to ask when looking at a sushi roll.

Our Initial Impression

R…racist?  Like, feels kind of racist?  Also, not nearly enough food here—you’re probably paying for a roll and getting the equivalent of two pieces.  And we also feel like we don’t have to actually remind you this, but just in case, yeah, no, do not order deep fried sushi from a ballpark.  That’s like the second thing we learned as infants, right after “be afraid of snakes.”

Overall Rating (Out of 10)

4.8

Overall Winner

Even with its lettuce and tomato overreach, the winner is also the most “ballpark” foot item on the list.  Congratulations to the Mighty Mac Dog, hopefully the next menu addition to the Fifth Third Ballpark’s food services!

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