“No guys please don’t do th…”
~Paul Newman, American Hero
A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American. To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.” That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting. Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances. Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?
Never was there such a tale of woe…
Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you? That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!) And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration. A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated. A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero. A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS! IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”
We do, John. We know all.
How much are you freaking out right now man!?
That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says). Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.
The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go. Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”
“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.” When did Google start getting so catty?
Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day. So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…
AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day
Before we launch head first into this booze filled day, we should give you a bit more of an introduction to this glorious day. As we’ve mentioned, Newman’s quote served as the inspiration for the event, though there are some variations on when it is meant to be celebrated. No matter what day is chosen, they correspond with the life and feats of Paul Newman, which is somewhat ironic given he has vocally against Newman’s Day being practiced.
But this is America, and we’re not going to let someone’s pleas of, “No, for the love of God, this is dangerous” stop us from getting smashed in someone else’s honor. Traditionally, Newman’s Day is celebrated on April 24th. Other universities do not practice Newman’s Day on this day, as Bates College celebrates it on the Friday nearest Newman’s January 26th Birthday, and Kenyon College celebrates it on March 30th, the day Newman won his first Oscar.
What we can agree on is that one school, The Evergreen State College, actively tries to ruin such a beautiful occasion. Instead of drinking 24 beers, they have “Newman’s Night” where they eat dishes made with “Newman’s Own” products, with a Newman movie in the background and then they stop it stop it STOP IT you’ve already disqualified yourself from being a college. You hear that, Evergreen State College? Education license revoked. Jesus.
Wrong Newman, right expression.
The rules are simple.
You take 24 beers, and you have to drink them in the course of 24 hours after you wake up. You may not nap or sleep once you have started drinking until you have finished your final beer. You must eat normally, and, most importantly, you must go about your daily routine. So, if you have class? Too bad, you either are taking beer with you, or catching up when you get back. Don’t want to show up to work drunk? That’s Canada talk. Drink your damn beers and don’t let “common sense” or “strict advice from your doctor” stand in your way!
Now, simply telling you, “Drink the beer fast” doesn’t necessarily help prepare you for such a marathon act of alcohol consumption. That is why we at AFFotD are here to provide you with a helpful guide on how to survive Newman’s Day, the American way.
Your official Newman’s Day Timeline
This year, Newman’s Day falls on a Sunday, which means the likelihood of drinking through work or classes is minimal. That being said, it is Easter Sunday. Ironic, since “He is risen” is likely what the rest of your body will say to your liver in three days. Since you won’t have to work around classes or anything like that, you should be able to follow a fairly standard drinking schedule. We’ll put in some space for church if you’re one of those people who still go to church, and some alternate plans for the rest of us heathens. So let’s get started
9:00 AM- WAKE UP
Yeah, we know it says 8:47 on that clock, it’s called a snooze button, possibly the third most American button (between political campaign buttons with clever slogans, and the Easy Button from Staples) learn to use it. Yeah, you might be thinking, “This is America, why on Earth am I waking up at 9AM on a Sunday?” Well normally we would agree with you, but there are two acceptable excuses an American can use for waking up early on a weekend.
2. Fishing (when drinking is involved)
This falls in the first category. For your 24 pack of beer, we’ll recommend you go out in advance and buy yourself some Coors Light. It might not taste great, but it goes down like water, and when you’re pumping yourself full with 288 ounces of an alcoholic liquid, you want to ensure it won’t go down heavy. But before you do anything, assess your relationship situation.
1. If you are in a relationship, turn off your cell phone, so you don’t accidentally drunk dial your significant other.
2. If you are single, turn off your cell phone, so you don’t drunk dial your ex.
You’ll thank us for that tomorrow. Now, grab two of the beers in the fridge, and go into the shower with some keys.
Just don’t spill it all like this guy who clearly doesn’t know how to shotgun a beer.
Boom. Two down 24 to go. Pour yourself a bowl of cereal and use a third beer as milk. To those of you who thought, “Oh my God, that sounds disgusting” well…you’re clearly not ready yet. You’ll eat the damn breakfast with beer because we said so, and this is America dammit. Have a side beer to go with your breakfast. Eggs are optional.
BEER COUNT: 4
10:00 AM- GET YOUR SURPRISINGLY BUZZED ASS OUTSIDE
Chances are, it should be nice outside. Even if it isn’t, you have been conscious for one hour today, and you already have had four beers. That should be enough to get a surprisingly heavy buzz going. Since you’re not writing for AFFotD, we can only assume that you probably won’t be able to keep this pace going for the full day, so we’re going to give you a few hours to cool off. Take a two hour break, maybe just sip on a beer as you wander around. If you live in a community with open container laws, just pop that sucker in a paper bag. No one will know the difference.
Wait, it’s just a paper bag! I thought I saw alcohol for a second. Moving on.
BEER COUNT: 6
12:00 PM- LUNCH TIME
Lunch is tricky. You gotta find a way to be able to down a crapload of beers, while also not filling yourself up too much. Our recommendation is McDonald’s- your drunk ass is going to be craving fast food anyway. Specifically, get the McGangbang, an absurd contraption that deserves its own fun fact.
If you can’t use this as fuel to chug down 6 beers in the next two hours, you’re not cut out for this shit.
BEER COUNT: 12
2:00 PM- DRUNK MOVIE WATCHING
Look at yourself. You’ve just had 12 beers. You are legitimately drunk, and it’s barely the afternoon. Plus, you just ate a McGangBang, which is to Fast Food what Pauly Shore was to the 90s. Just, a terrifying representation. If your stomach could develop a guilty conscious, the McGangBang would be responsible. You are about to hit the biggest food/booze coma of your life. But fear not, there is a way to get through the next six hours while still keeping a steady pace. You’re going to want to limit yourself to one beer per hour until the evening, so you can still drink at night and convince yourself that what you’re doing is perfectly acceptable. But for the next six hours, you need to find…
Some good drunk movies. They have to catch your attention, and keep you awake. Easy to follow comedies that you’ve seen frequently are the best bet. And now, you’re ready for the homestretch. Oh God, the homestretch.
BEER COUNT: 18
8:00 PM- HAVE FRIENDS OVER, EMBARRASS YOURSELF
This is what Newman’s Day is all about. You have until midnight to finish six more beers. Six beers in four hours? Please. A baby (being served the wrong drink at an Applebee’s) can do that. Now’s the part where you have your friends stop by, so you can slur at them how you made “such a good decision, while their lame asses didn’t even try Newman’s Day. But who’s laughing now, Karen!? Shut up, give me my phone man, I’m gonna call her, I’m gonna……”
Shhh…. Sleep. Sleep. You’ve earned it.