Tag Archives: Northwestern University

Wherein AFFotD is all “Bitch, Please” to an Indiana Establishment of Education Which Dares Hoist Itself Above the Very National Anthem of America

“And their ass we did kick/ what kind of bullshit is this?”

~Deleted verse from The Star-Spangled Banner

America Fun Fact of the Day has a couple of Newsies in our employ.  We’re talking old school, technically-breaking-child-labor-laws Newsies.  We force them to read the paper out loud to us because we like to know what’s going on in this fair country but we hate the strained eyeball feeling and stress headaches that we get every time we try to feign literacy.

We don’t make them smoke, but we do pay them extra if they do.

Anyway, today one of our Newsies comes up to us and says, “What would your first reaction be if I told you there was a called in Indiana called (Gee) Goshen College?”

“I’d punch you right in the face for making a cheap Newsie sounding pun,” said Johnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief.

That’s when the Newsie read us a little article about the actual (tiny) college, located in Goshen, Indiana, which in its own right isn’t enough to get us riled up.  Small college?  That’s acceptably American, sure.  It’s not like they won’t play the National Anthem because they think it’s too violent or…

Wait, are you fucking serious?

Oh hell no!  Let’s rip these fuckers to threads.

Oh, uh, we meant figuratively…

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero

A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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