“And their ass we did kick/ what kind of bullshit is this?”
~Deleted verse from The Star-Spangled Banner
America Fun Fact of the Day has a couple of Newsies in our employ. We’re talking old school, technically-breaking-child-labor-laws Newsies. We force them to read the paper out loud to us because we like to know what’s going on in this fair country but we hate the strained eyeball feeling and stress headaches that we get every time we try to feign literacy.
We don’t make them smoke, but we do pay them extra if they do.
Anyway, today one of our Newsies comes up to us and says, “What would your first reaction be if I told you there was a called in Indiana called (Gee) Goshen College?”
“I’d punch you right in the face for making a cheap Newsie sounding pun,” said Johnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief.
That’s when the Newsie read us a little article about the actual (tiny) college, located in Goshen, Indiana, which in its own right isn’t enough to get us riled up. Small college? That’s acceptably American, sure. It’s not like they won’t play the National Anthem because they think it’s too violent or…
Wait, are you fucking serious?
Oh hell no! Let’s rip these fuckers to threads.
Oh, uh, we meant figuratively…
The basic facts of the story are as follows. Goshen College is a Mennonite affiliated Indiana College. As a result, they’re non-violent. And because the National Anthem has “violent images” in the lyrics, they want to just play “America the Beautiful” instead. Now, some of you reading right now might be in the market to have a vasectomy performed, but you don’t have insurance and don’t want to pay for the procedure out of pocket. That’s where we can help you out! Simply say, out loud, “I don’t want to play The Star-Spangled Banner because I think it’s too violent.”
There! You’re balls are gone now. You’re welcome. And ladies, your tubes just tied themselves. Your ovaries heard you say that and decided “No way we’re letting this one get our precious eggs.”
Hearing about this pretty much put a damper on our day. But then, the more we read about Goshen College, the more we knew…that we hated it. And we say that knowing that hate is a strong word. We don’t care. Hate. Hate.
Goshen College was founded in 1894 and has an endowment of $83 million. While that sounds like a lot of money, especially for a non-patriotic educational establishment, a better way to express it is to say that this fully established College has the same net worth as R&B singer Akon. Goshen College is such a useless institution that it probably has to use itself as collateral when it gets loans to construct a new building. Goshen College is so broke that we actually wouldn’t be surprised if this whole “not playing the Star-Spangled Banner because it describes war” thing was just a cover for the fact that they can’t afford the rights to the damn song.
Goshen College is so boring that one of their “greatest” traditions involved “sampling” sap from the school’s Official Maple Tree (yes, they have an Official Maple Tree), taking the sap to the science department, and “measuring” how much longer Winter will be. While this is the academic equivalent of doing the “look who has dirty ears” magic trick, apparently it was a big deal there. Before we can make fun of that, we should point out that in 2006 that tree died, probably because they would poke a hole in it every year. Finally, a reason to appreciate Goshen College, because fuck nature.
But wait, what’s that? After they planted a new, sigh, Official Maple Tree, the President of the College decided he didn’t want any more dead trees on his conscious, so he scrapped the entire tradition and replaced it with a “Weather or Not Day.” So if you love weak-kneed, tree-hugging philosophies with just a dash of terrible puns, Goshen College is the place for you!
Goddamn, the school’s TENNIS COURTS take up more room than the rest of the goddamn College.
To add insult to injury, Goshen has purple and white as it’s colors. This is because the founder of the College went to Northwestern University, and wanted to model the school after that. Well, it looks like he failed miserably. While Northwestern not only embraces the hell out of the National Anthem, they have live sex toy demonstrations in their classes. Way to drop the fucking ball, Goshen.
Goshen College is such a waste of our time that even though they spit in the face of America by turning their back to our National Anthem, we’re not going to use up any more of our breath to badmouth them. That’s right, we have bigger fish to fry. But seriously, Goshen. The hell, man?