“Did you clear this with us? NO! Don’t TALK about that shit on our dollar! Now smear this makeup on and sexy dance for us, there’s a nickel in it for you.”
We’re always on the lookout for new and exciting technologies in the area of culinary “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING PUT THAT DOWN JESUS CHRIST.” Why do we remain so vigilant about discussing America’s most unhealthy foods with you, the vigilant American reader who no doubt had the fortitude to put in a bomb shelter in the 1960s? Is it because fatty food tastes fucking delicious? Sure. Is it due to our longstanding feud with the American Heart Association ever since they decided not to endorse our “Whipped Cream Cannon”? Mayyyybe. But the fact that Wendy’s has been paying us to write about unhealthy food might have something to do with it. That’s why we’re here to install another segment of Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day! They make us tell them our deepest, most embarrassing secrets so we can feed their hollow, hollow laughter! The pain will never go away! Wendy’s!
It was our own fault for trying to get our ad revenue from a craigslist ad…
We sort of bit the hand that feeds us (…and only feeds us if we’ve been very good) when we stumbled across an item that we had to write about, even though it is the result of a company that runs in direct competition with our malevolent benefactors. But goddamn it, we want to tell you about the Luther KFC Double Down, so it’ll be worth it, no matter what sort of punishment we receive from Wendy’s (Wendy’s: Did you know the spices used in the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich, when thrown into the eyes of malcontent Internet comedy writers, causes mild hallucinations and very severe retinal scarring? Wendy’s, now with a new motto: Don’t ever fuck with us like this again, AFFotD!)
So fuck you, corporate masters, here’s a goddamn Double Down with a Krispy Kreme doughnut as a bun!
Special Sauce looks like Lobster brains, and now we’ve just ruined both of those things for you.
There are two types of insanity in this world. There’s the insanity that jostles the edges of your mind, poking and prodding your sense of reality by skewering everything just enough to make nothing seem real. And then there’s this, the kind if insanity that doesn’t warrant any explanation other than a gentle acceptance that this is fucking crazy, and any attempt to justify it would be futile.
The Luther Double Down is the second type, because any attempt to justify its existence is about as logical as trying to say that KFC is better than Wendy’s, which we all know is absurd, even though we don’t see why Wendy’s is so mad since KFC isn’t even a burger joint so it’s not like they’re really in direct competition with each other (Oh God, they heard that, they’re coming, we’re sorry Wendy’s!).
…Must be tough times for the hired goons industry…
A Luther Burger, for those unfamiliar with such American things, is a hamburger that uses one or two glazed donuts instead of a bun for a hamburger. Ergo, a Luther Double Down is quite simple. Simply purchase a KFC Double Down, which of course is a cheese and bacon sandwich that uses friend chicken instead of bread for a bun. Then, buy a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, and slice it in half. Use these doughnut halves as your “bread” for a Double Down sandwich, and viola! If you stare at it for too long, your arteries will become so clogged that the capillaries in your eyes will burst!
As you self-hate eat this glorious monstrosity, 900 calories have been directly pumped into your heart, but we are contractually obligated to point out that to get a similar calorie load, you could also eat just one double Baconator from Wendy’s, which is an equally American sandwich! Save us!
Top Cultured was the first to attempt to create a Luther Double Down, because in their ranks there is nothing but madness, and their version adds an extra packet of Colonel’s Special Sauce, because there’s really no need to justify anything else added to a sandwich that is comprised of fried chicken, cheese, bacon, and doughnuts, and if you’re looking for logic in this sandwich you’re reading the wrong website.
Our, uh, handlers are…hey, quit shoving, ouch, stop it. They’re trying to push our writer out of the chair an.daghepiagpeia
Greetings America! This is not one of the employees from Wendy’s, which the nation has voted their FAVORITE non-regional Fast Food establishment, because you Midwesterners and East Coasters can’t get In-N-Out, ha ha! Anyway, this is absolutely one of the writers of this, ugh, website. See, I even talk like that “Booze, fuck, shitty, drunk, fast food” yeah see, you’re totally convinced.
I think we can all agree that this KFC thing is a stupid idea. Why go through such lengths to eat so-called “American” unhealthy food, when you can combine food at your very own Wendy’s restaurant! You’ve tried dipping fries in our, erm, their Frosties, so why not take that up a level? Ever tried taking a Bacon and Cheese Potato (of COURSE we, erm, they make that!) and stuffing it in between the two all beef patties of a Double Stack? Or maybe take an Asiago Ranch Chicken Club and just jam it inside of a ¾ Triple Burger! Doesn’t that sound dangerous for your arteries? Everyone’s making all these insane food combos at, say, McDonald’s or KFC, but they fail to realize that Wendy’s has such a diverse menu that the possibilities of food exploitation are endless! Endless!
I’m going to kick the person writhing on the floor now for a while! EAT AT WENDY’S! EAT AT WENDY’S!
HOLLOW EYES HOLLOW SOUL! HOLLOW EYES HOLLOW SOUL!