“Let’s see… and greed makes all seven. Sweet.”
~ Charlie Sheen
Religion is a sticky subject in America. Everyone has a strong opinion of it, except for agnostics who are just lazy, and it can lead to uncomfortable arguments. And if there’s one thing we dislike at AFFotD, it’s sobriety. And if there’s two things we dislike, it’s sobriety and foreigners. But if you go down the list of things we hate far enough, you eventually find “pointless arguments” in there somewhere. So we’re not going to weigh in on this “big picture” item, and instead are just going to look into one particular aspect of one particular religion that has taken a bigger role in popular culture. The Seven Deadly Sins. You might have heard of it? These are things that Christians try to avoid, and probably all those other religions that speak in silly languages don’t like either. Ringing any bells? They were central to the plot of that movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head? You know, Iron Man?
“What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”
Anyway, for those of you unsure what the hell our sinful selves are talking about, there’s Lust, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. We don’t know that because we’re religious, necessarily, we just know that because we sort of view them less as “things you shouldn’t do” and more as “American guidelines.” As we were watching that Jessica Alba/Angelina Jolie from-like-four-years-ago-when-they-were-even-hotter lesbian sex tape that we own the only physical copy of as training motivation for our daily office hot dog eating contest, we started to wonder if we as Americans could do the deadly sins justice. That’s when Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis got in a fight over who was more jealous of the rest of the staff who was away on nap time, and Michael Jordan just kept looking at himself in the mirror and playing a game of blackjack against himself, and we realized that…goddamn the deadly sins are American. America is the embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins. And that’s awesome.
So, we’re going to run down how American each sin is, and after this article, the term “Seven Deadly Sins” will now be called “Seven Awesome American Traits.” Fucking deal, Satan.