Tag Archives: White House

Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt


Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

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The White House

“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”

~President Barack Obama

 

While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny.  Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…

…heh…heh…

 …but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”

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America Fun Fact of the Day- An Introduction

“America.”

~You


What do we see here?  A building?  A flag?  An “if your mind is in the proper place, incredibly phallic” fountain spurt?

No.  No, we see…America.

Hello.  Hello.  Hello.  Normally, writers would say something like “Hello.  Hola.  Halo.  Konnichiwah.”  You know, to be inclusive.  Welcoming.  Cultural.  Well, you know what inclusive is for?  Space shuttle safety inspections.  You know what welcoming is for?  Doormats.  You know what Cultural is for?  Uh…Elementary School Festivals Meant To Gloss Over The Shocking Homogeneity Of This Fucking Suburb?  Sure.  But guess what, assholes.  This is fucking America.

America, just like a potato chip, is better in its ruffled form.

So, you may be asking yourself in that “incredibly unrealistic concept that people reading random internet blogs would ask themselves questions about the aforementioned blog” way, “Who are these people, and what do they know about America?”

Well, if you have a good necromancer, you might be able to ask the great-grandfather of our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

If America was a gun, he’d be the armor-piercing bullets.

Of course, after he established the America Fun Fact of the Day offices in 1973, J.R. felt he needed to create a credo for the whole enterprise, which is only now joining the online revolution (…that is, 10 years ago it would have been considered a ‘revolution’).  That credo?

America.  That is what we believe in.  That is what we represent.  What is America?  America is everything, yet it is still everything.  Over indulgence in alcohol?  Of course, preferably whiskey.  Yes.  Yes, this is America.  Over eating, and discovering new ways to create a jowl?  Yes, most indubitably.  But really, being American is about being ignorant to your faults, proud of your vices, and uncompromising over the most minuscule of details.  It is with this in mind that we shall serve as a path for freedom, a dream to show the American dream.  We will not yield.  We will not relent.  And we will not cease in our debauchery.

Yes.  And it is with this credo in our fingertips, and with J.R. looking over our shoulders, like seriously, right the fuck now, that we begin this enterprise.  We will give the uncensored histories of the greatest Americans, of the most American foods and items.  We will show the true path to American empowerment, and we will chastise all impostures.

So for those unwilling to hear the truth about George Washington’s Laser Vision, Ulysses S. Grant’s Drunken Imperiousness to Bullets, or The Proper Way To Eat a Steak, go to http://www.france.gov.  Otherwise, take solace in knowing your nation is great, and if you think otherwise…well, that’s like saying cheese is not delicious.  You clearly must have a problem digesting something that is glorious.