Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

• The phrase I’ve watched seep into the language (especially with broadcasters) is “two-time” and “three-time“. Have the words double, triple etc, been totally lost? Grammatically it makes no sense, and is even worse when spoken. My pulse rises every time I hear or see it. Which is not healthy as it’s almost every day now. Argh! D Rochelle, Bath

Ugh, really Rochelle?  Your pulse rises every time someone is described as a “two-time Oscar winner” instead of a “double Oscar winner?”  That actually affects you so much it influences your blood pressure?  We’d go as far to say that, not only is that not healthy, it’s not fucking sane.  Are you serious about this?  If England is hell bent to not use the term “two-time” or “three-time” no wonder British people never win Wimbledon.  Oh, sick tennis burn.  By the way, with that unnecessarily dramatic “Argh!” at the end of this post, we have a pretty good idea who actually wrote this…

• Using 24/7 rather than “24 hours, 7 days a week” or even just plain “all day, every day”. Simon Ball, Worcester

You suck so hard, Simon.  Apart from having the most stereotypical British name available, you also seem unable to grasp the notion of shortening unnecessarily lengthy phrases and terms.  Why is that?  Do you have serious issues with the use of contractions too?  Or do you just hate the poor bastard who has to put up the letters at the convenience store, and you don’t want him having shorthand to make his life easier?

• “Touch base” – it makes me cringe no end. Chris, UK

Just because your country doesn’t like baseball doesn’t mean you have to bitch about the fact that everything can and should be described in baseball terms.  Would you rather we “break the wicket” or something, you shepherd’s pie eating asshole?

• I caught myself saying “shopping cart” instead of shopping trolley today and was thoroughly disgusted with myself. I’ve never lived nor been to the US either. Graham Nicholson, Glasgow

Fucking good.  Shopping trolley is the dumbest sounding term we’ve ever heard.  Shopping cart sounds like an actual thing that people use, while a Shopping Trolley sounds like a gay sex act that is only performed by the most desperate of male prostitutes.  Seriously, just think about that for a second.  Someone goes up to you, “Excuse me, can you get me a shopping trolley?”  You’d want to punch them in the face right?  Right?  Just say you would, okay, we’re looking for validation here, and we may or may not be facing an outstanding assault warrant in the U.K.

• Take-out rather than takeaway! Simon Ball, Worcester

Take note, please: A takeaway is something that occurs in football.  Also take note: Football is an awesome sport where people give each other concussions, not that lame one where they kick the ball everywhere.  And finally:  Shut up Simon, don’t think we didn’t notice that your Yorkshire Pudding named dumbass submitted multiple entries to this fucking article.

• Train station. My teeth are on edge every time I hear it. Who started it? Have they been punished? Chris Capewell, Queens Park, London

There are a lot of things out there that can set a man on edge.  Discrimination and hatred around you is the most justifiable.  Or maybe you’re witnesses a great injustice.  Hell, hormones can be to blame, and that’s natural.  But hearing the term “Train station”?  That puts your teeth on edge every time you hear it?  You heard it here first, Chris Capewell of Queens Park, London is going to go on a stabbing spree in Trafalgar square after he hears a tourist say the word “herb” with a soft H.

“THEN WHY PUT THE H IN IT IF YOU WONT SAY THE H?  GAH!”

• I’m a Brit living in New York. The one that always gets me is the American need to use the word bi-weekly when fortnightly would suffice just fine. Ami Grewal, New York

Oh, we don’t know, maybe because the only people who say “Fortnightly” aren’t allowed to leave the house until they’ve finished their 6 daily hours of practicing for the National Spelling Bee.  It’s a nerdy word, is what we’re saying.

• Surely the most irritating is: “You do the Math.” Math? It’s MATHS. Michael Zealey, London

We’re going to have to leave this one alone, since we’re technically violating the restraining order Math has against us by posting Michael Zealey’s post.  That said?  Shut the fuck up, “maths” is a stupid sounding word, and spell-check just told us that it’s misspelled that way.

• My brother now uses the term “season” for a TV series. Hideous. D Henderson, Edinburgh

“Some British asshole now uses the term “Series” for a single season of a TV show.  Retarded.”  J Roosevelt, America

• I hear more and more people pronouncing the letter Z as “zee“. Not happy about it! Ross, London

But… “Z” is pronounced… “Z”.  That’s…just…how would British people do it?

One second, we’ll be back.  Googling.

…

ZED!?  THE SHIT IS THAT!?

Okay, sorry England, you’re officially stupid and we’re not going to listen to you.  Good day.

WE SAID GOOD DAY!