“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”
~John F. Kennedy
It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life. Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us. And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.
John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved shooting stars.
JFK was born in a quaint little town called “Brooklyn” in the state of New York on May 29, 1917, during the first World War. His parents, Rose Fitzgerald and Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr., were amazed when their second child emerged from the womb with perfectly coiffed hair and immediately seduced one of the nurses in the maternity ward. This is where he uttered his first words and his first successful pickup line, “Daddy’s home.” To this date, no one else in the history of the world has succeeded with this line, not even Barney Stinson from the classic tele-documentary, “How I Met Your Mother.”
When Kennedy learned how to read at the tender age of the day after he was born, he developed a healthy hatred of Germans, and decided to go to Europe to join the war efforts. Since, as an infant, Kennedy had the height, charm, and appearance of a 17-year old boy, he had no problem getting into the Navy, which was firmly entrenched in their “we like young boys” recruiting policy. Kennedy was deployed tactically, with the task of winning over the hearts and loins of all the German house fraus. In this, Kennedy was wildly successful because, I mean, come on, look at the guy.
Let’s just say Kennedy is not the only person in that picture…
Kennedy took pictures of each sexual conquest, sending them to the husbands serving on the front line with a note saying, “I, er, ah, porked your wife.” The ensuing massive retreat of German footsoldiers ensured an easy Allied victory, while also being responsible for the birth of over ten thousand German JFK offspring, who grew up to lead most resistance groups within Nazi Germany in the 30s and 40s.
Having already sown his wild oats (literally), Kennedy decided to chase some “American tail” by going to school. A prankster in his academy, Kennedy once blew up the a toilet seat using fireworks (seriously) and started a group called “The Muckers Club”. Eventually going to Harvard, hearing that Teddy “Fisticuffs” Roosevelt had attended the school and partaken in the very first game of Football. Kennedy ended up swimming for the Harvard varsity swim team, a skill that would serve him well in World War 2.
After the Pearl Harbor attack, while headlines were reading things like “WAR!” and “LARGE FONT!” Kennedy decided to dust off his old naval uniform. While fighting/inseminating Germans was old hat to him, Kennedy had never been able to cross off “Japanese girls” from his list, since the schools he attended were whiter than a marshmallow wrapped in Wonder Bread. Fueled by a loyal patriotism, a sense of outrage at the Japanese sneak attack, and the prospect of thousands of tiny half-Japanese Kennedys running all over the place, Kennedy shouted, “Hello strange!”
And off he went.
During the war effort Kennedy injured his back (heh, yeah he did. Seriously). He kept fighting (and…well, banging) throughout the war, deciding that he’d much rather be a badass than be a quitter. While sailing on the PT-109 during one of his rare non-sexual missions, the ship was rammed by a Japanese destroyer. Kennedy gathered the survivors and asked if they wished to fight, or surrender, stating, “A lot of you men have families and some of you have children. What do you want to do? I have nothing to lose.” They decided to fight, swimming several hours to a nearby island, a task which Kennedy performed while towing an injured soldier with his fucking teeth (again, seriously).
Faced with such an overwhelming amount of badassery, the military chose to give Kennedy the Navy and Marine Corps Metal. General Douglas MacArthur, who history remembers as the general who was not nearly as badass as General Patton, had a different opinion, however, saying Kennedy should have left the waters after firing the ship’s one torpedo, and that he deserved to be court marshaled for how he handled the situation. Catching wind of this, JFK hunted down MacArthur and punched him so hard in the dick that all of his children were born as eunuchs.
There is an old saying about American politics that goes, “if you kill enough Japanese people, the road to the White House is an easy one.” Granted, this quote is often attributed to Ty Cobb while he was in the middle of one of his many confusingly racist diatribes, but it served to be true for John F. Kennedy, who charmed his way into politics, and found himself climbing the political ranks with ease.
When Kennedy was asked about his political aspirations, after easily being voted to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1946, he replied, “Er, uh, I like my politics like I like my, er, ah, women. Because I have sex with women quite easily.”
In 1952, while serving in the senate, Kennedy met Jacqueline Bouvier, who history books now describe as, “smoking hot, but in that elegant classy sort of way.” Kennedy married her a year later, trading in his wild tumultuous life of sexual conquest for the comforts and stability of long term monogamy.
Just kidding, he still chased every tail that didn’t have a penis attached to it.
Marilyn Monroe, after recently playing the role of “every adolescent boy’s sexual fantasy in the 1950s and 1960s” in the hit film, “Seriously, every film she ever did, she was only cast in roles where the director wanted to make it awkward for the male audience members to stand up at the end of the movie”, saw the young presidential hopeful and fell immediately in lust. Their torrid affair, as well as the various sexual positions they invented, were slated to be released in the book “My Fucking Memoirs” by JFK in 1965. Kennedy never was able to scribe the book however, due to his tragic end.
Kennedy was elected as president in 1960, beating out a very sweaty and scary looking man that people referred to as “Dick Nixon”. Nixon, it is assumed, due to his proficient flop sweat and his lack of dashing good looks, never was able to launch a political career after losing to Kennedy. Probably.
Seriously, I wouldn’t trust this man even if I were paying him to sexually assault my dog.
Kennedy was handed the reins to the nation as it was mired in the Cold War with the Soviet Union. Kennedy boosted American moral by hosting various “Hot War” parties, which usually involved Kennedy in a hot tub with a bunch of women in the Oval Office as Jackie O combed her hair repeatedly in front of the mirror saying, “It’s okay, you’re the First Lady, you’re the First Lady.” They usually got kind of weird.
Many view the defining moment of the Kennedy Presidency to be the Cuban Missile Crisis, where Kennedy stopped the Soviet Union from establishing missile launch sites on the nearby island of Cuba, after defeating Russian Premier Nikita Khrushchev in a “who has larger testicles” contest.
It was then, on the fateful day of November 22, 1963 that Kennedy, at the age of 46, was shot and killed. This impacted the entire nation, creating a national period of grieving in both America, Germany, and Japan, where tens of thousands illegitimate Kennedy children wept at losing a father they had never met. And though his time as an American legend was brief, he touched the lives of an entire nation. And, well, you know, a lot of lady parts.