Tag Archives: Swamp Thing

Absurd American Superhero Movies That Were Actually Released

“*snorts the biggest line of cocaine* I’m sorry, what was that?  Sure, whatever, that sounds fine, here’s some money.”

~Hollywood Producers

green lantern

Comic book movies are such a cash cow right now in American culture that even movies that no one in their right mind would watch can get hundreds of million dollars thrown their way.  Oh, we see you noticed our Green Lantern picture right up there.  That’s, um, totally unrelated.  Anyway, the point being that even if a comic movie isn’t good, there’s at least the assumption that, yes, this movie has an audience, it makes sense to spend money on this.  That hasn’t always been the case, however.  Before Spider-Man came around to remind everyone that people happen to like movies about heroes (huh, weird) those devoted to putting superheroes behind camera were either people with a comic book and a laughably low budget, or people who, well, maybe didn’t know what they were doing.  The point is, outside of Superman, successful comic book movies weren’t a guaranteed slam dunk, which might help explain how some movies that managed to honest-to-God get released in America had story lines or plots that must have seemed like a bad idea when they were originally pitched, and an even worse idea when they were put on the big screen.  We’re here to talk about those movies.

Absurd American Superhero Movies That Were Actually Released

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Hilariously Bad Comic Book TV Shows

“Burn it down.  Burn it all down.”

~Stan Lee

spider man

With the release of Batman v Superman: The Wrath of the Film Critic behind us, and America’s superhero movie craze either ramping up or slowly devouring itself from both ends, depending on who you ask, there’s been a lot of reflection of our comic book culture lately.  And those of you who have been to a movie theater since, oh, let’s say 1997 have probably noticed that, no matter what your opinion on the current state of comic book media is, comic books are pretty big right now.  Well, not the books themselves, the only people that read comics are still the same two friends of yours that have very strong opinions about Ben Reilly’s denim choices, but the stories and the characters and especially the heroes from comic books are impossible to avoid.  Hell, Marvel tossed together a $60 million movie about an obscure antihero created in 1991 and filled it with swearing and Ryan Reynolds fighting in a burning building completely nude  and they still managed to crack $700 million worldwide.  And why’s that?  Well, yes, the naked Ryan Reynolds does help a bit there, but mainly it’s that superhero movies are almost impossible to fuck up, unless you’re trying to convince people to care about the Fantastic Four.

We might forget, in all our Iron Man marathons and turning-on-subtitles-whenever-Bane-speaks-in-The-Dark-Knight-Rises nights, that this wasn’t always the case.  Comic book adaptations were not the cash cows they are now, in fact they generally could be considered risky projects.  That especially applies to TV shows.  While the current crop of Marvel and DC influenced television programs are pretty solid, especially with what Netflix is doing to Marvel characters we’ve either not heard of or tried to forget, the history of America trying to put superheroes on the airwaves has often been…well, let’s just say not so heroic.  Let’s say bad.  Let’s say laughably bad.

Here are some bad TV shows.

Hilariously Bad Comic Book TV Shows

adam west is batman

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Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters

“I want all of these.  No, I want MORE than all of these.”

~You

presidential monsters

Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places.  People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain.  We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings.  So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.

And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.

Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is.  You’re welcome.

Heroes in Action Toys Presents:  Presidential Monsters

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