“Oh my God fuck these writers.”
Our staff recently sat down to watch all the films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (or MCU, if you’re nasty) in chronological order because we decided that was one of the least destructive things a person could do after 11 months of complete isolation.
Now, we could, and should, have kept this fact to ourselves. “We binged 23 movies in the course of like two weeks” is less of a thing you advertise, and more a thing you hide to avoid a lot of “are you okay?” texts from concerned family and friends.
But we decided that we’d use this cry for help as an excuse to create the only kind of content we know—divisive content tailor-made to piss off notoriously volatile fan bases.
So let’s rank all the villains we can think of from the Marvel films. Some minor villains were left off the list, because who cares. And we briefly considered adding the Maximoff twins (we’re just now realizing how lazy it is that between them and Black Widow, the only Eastern European characters are named “Romanoff” and “Maximoff” but that’s a different article) because they literally were villains for, like, two scenes.
Anyway, we’ve likely left off a character you care about, and we’ve almost certainly placed someone on this list in a place that will make you feel pure rage, and we apologize for nothing. It’s a dumb article about fun movies based on silly comic books. Maybe just chill a bit, okay?
Anyway…onto the list.
“We’ve got established characters, set action pieces, and an iconic plot. How can we best fuck this up?”
For the longest time, the entertainment industry didn’t know what to do with super hero movies. With the exception of 1978’s Superman and the Tim Burton Batman films, comic book movies tended to be either bad, box office bombs, or both. Sure you had a Spiderman 2 here and an “let’s forget there was a third X-Men movie” there, you couldn’t find many great representations of comic books on the big screen. It’s hard to remember those days now that Marvel has come along and made comic book movies that pretty much print their own currency while D.C. um, well, you know, they try hard and we love them for it.
We bring this up because comic books had to exist for a long time before anyone figured out how to translate them to the silver screen with any modicum of success. And that’s where we are now with video games.
Video games have been “things that exist” for only about forty or fifty years at this point, and we’re sad to report that America has yet to unlock how to make those games work as movies. It’s a little surprising, honestly—we have hundreds of popular video games that are basically movies that you play, yet we haven’t managed to turn that into compelling cinema.
Don’t believe us? Well fuck you, then. Wait, wait, sorry, that was maybe a bit defensive. But we’ll show you. Below we’ve listed every movie based off a comic book that’s been made in America, and listed them in reverse order of their critical score on the review aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes. And folks, it is…dire.
Every American Video Game Movie (Pretty Much Sucks)
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Miscellaneous America
Tagged Aaron Paul, Agent 47, Alone in the Dark, America, Angelina Jolie, Angry Birds, Angry Birds Movie, Angry Birds Movie 2, Assassin's Creed, BloodRayne, DC Comics, Dead or Alive, Detective Pikachu, DOA, Doom, Double Dragon, Dungeon Siege, Every Video Game Movie, Fassbender, Final Fantasy, Hitman, House of the Dead, In the Name of the King, Lara Croft, Legend of Chun-Li, Marvel, Max Payne, Milla Jovovich, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat Annihilation, Mortal Kombat Movie, Need for Speed, Paul W.S. Anderson, Pokemon, Pokemon Detective Pikachu, Postal, Prince of Persia, Rampage, Ratchet & Clank, Raul Julia, Resident Evil, Resident Evil Afterlife, Resident Evil Apocalypse, Resident Evil Extinction, Resident Evil Franchise, Resident Evil Retribution, Robert Patrick, Silent Hill, Silent Hill Revelation, Street Fighter, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Movie, Tekken, Tomb Raider, Uwe Boll, Video Game Movies, Video Games, Warcraft
“Burn it down. Burn it all down.”
With the release of Batman v Superman: The Wrath of the Film Critic behind us, and America’s superhero movie craze either ramping up or slowly devouring itself from both ends, depending on who you ask, there’s been a lot of reflection of our comic book culture lately.
And those of you who have been to a movie theater since, oh, let’s say 1997 have probably noticed that, no matter what your opinion on the current state of comic book media is, comic books are pretty big right now.
Well, not the books themselves, the only people that read comics are still the same two friends of yours that have very strong opinions about Ben Reilly’s denim choices, but the stories and the characters and especially the heroes from comic books are impossible to avoid. Hell, Marvel tossed together a $60 million movie about an obscure antihero created in 1991 and filled it with swearing and Ryan Reynolds fighting in a burning building completely nude and they still managed to crack $700 million worldwide.
And why’s that? Well, yes, the naked Ryan Reynolds does help a bit there, but mainly it’s that superhero movies are almost impossible to fuck up, unless you’re trying to convince people to care about the Fantastic Four.
We might forget, in all our Iron Man marathons and turning-on-subtitles-whenever-Bane-speaks-in-The-Dark-Knight-Rises nights, that this wasn’t always the case. Comic book adaptations were not the cash cows they are now, in fact they generally could be considered risky projects.
That especially applies to TV shows. While the current crop of Marvel and DC influenced television programs are pretty solid, especially with what Netflix is doing to Marvel characters we’ve either not heard of or tried to forget, the history of America trying to put superheroes on the airwaves has often been…well, let’s just say not so heroic. Let’s say bad. Let’s say laughably bad.
Here are some bad TV shows.
Hilariously Bad Comic Book TV Shows
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange America
Tagged America, Bad comic Book, Comic Book TV Shows, Comic Books, DC, Marvel, Night Man, Sable, Shazam, Superheroes, Swamp Thing, The Crow, tv